Almost Hockey Time

Phone Faux Pas

Last weekend, The Girlfriend and I went to see Tropic Thunder. This movie won't win any Oscars, but it was good for a chuckle later in the week.

There is a point in the movie where a special effects guy is gonna set off a gigantic explosion. Right before he hits the detonator, for no particular reason, he yells "BIG ASS TITTIES!"

Of course I latched onto this like a dog on a bone. I spent the next several days blurting out "BIG ASS TITTIES!" at odd times. I picked up my phone at one point and texted "BIG ASS TITTIES!" to everybody in my phone book (mom, the ex-wife, and Jordan being the exceptions). You can tell a lot about a person by how they respond to that sort of text. Lamest response? "HUH?" Best response "WHERE?!?" The novelty of "BIG ASS TITTIES!" wore off over the next couple of days and I forgot all about the text.

Cut to Wednesday. I'm driving home from work and get a phone call on my cell. The Girlfriend is the only one that ever calls me on my cell so I didn't really bother to look at the caller id. I say hello and a women's voice says "Is this number xxx-xxx-xxxx?"

"Uh, yeah," I reply.

"I'm calling because I recently received a land line text from this number and I'm trying to figure out who sent it"

I asked "What's a land line text?"

She said, "When you send a text to a land line, a computer somewhere converts it to speech. We got a land line text in this creepy robotic voice that said 'BIG ASS TITTIES!' but you sound much too mature to be sending that sort of message. Do you have teenagers?"

"Uh, ma'am, I'm ashamed to say I did send that message (I was only ashamed because she was giving me the mother's tone), but I'm not sure who this is. Can I ask who you are?"

So, she gives me the name of an old co-workers wife and now I go into full spin control. "Carolyn, I'm sorry, I thought that was Dave's phone."

"It is Dave's phone," she replies, "Dave's home phone. But don't worry about it, we were only worked up because we though some kid was being ugly to our daughter. Actually, a computer voice saying "BIG ASS TITTIES" when you pick up the phone is kinda funny."

"Uh, ok, tell Dave I said hi."

"Ok, bye."

So then I went another two or three days walking around saying "BIG ASS TITTIES!" at odd times, but now I used a robot's voice. I didn't really learn my lesson I guess.

Best Expletive Ever!

While watching Weeds last night, Kevin Nealon's character called an old Mexican lady a "cock juggling thunder cunt." I can't wait to use that in conversation.

Monthly Post

I saw a huge fire truck yesterday, the ladder kind, parked in the drive through at Mrs. Winner's chicken restaurant. I couldn't find a picture of a Nashville truck, but this one gives you an idea. It reminded me of other strange things I've seen. Like the two dicked pig in Puxico, Mo. He had a regular dick and then a second one sticking out below his ass (I guess the pig version of a taint). Can't seem to find a picture of that.

Saw Robin Zander of Cheap Trick once. At Disney World. With his kids. Go figure. When I lived in Memphis, I went out to get the paper early one Sunday morning and saw a six foot black man in a pink tutu walking down the street. The guy in the picture isn't black, but you get the idea. It was sorta like a cartoon. I bent over to pick up the paper, looked up, and there he was. I closed my eyes and rubbed them really hard, but when I opened them, he was still there. Didn't say a word, just kept walking.

Saw a video once of a man running and shitting at the same time. Wish I had been there to see it live.


Saw a Ford Explorer come flying across the grass median on interstate 40 once. Looked like it was headed straight for me, but I passed him and he crossed my side of the road behind me. Scared the shit out of me. But not like the guy running and shitting.


Once saw a tall cowboy dancing with a man in a three piece business suit. Not really a big deal until the cowboy rips off his shirt and has this freaky leather harness thing underneath. Don't want to post a picture of that, I still have nightmares.

Saw the jungles of Mexico from the top of a pyramid with hurricane Mitchell off in the distance. I've seen a baby being born face first. It didn't look comfortable at all. You don't even want to know what that looks like.


I once saw a chick that had her nipples pierced with a chain between the piercings, connected to a chain that was hooked into her navel piercing, connected by yet another chain to the piercing in her labia. Again, not something you want to see.


Just a small list of things I've seen.

Cards Win! Cards Win!

For the Fourth of July, The Girlfriend and I decided to drive to St. Louis and take in a baseball game. They played the hated Cubs this weekend in a three game series. We had tickets to Saturday's game and let me tell you, it was quite possibly the best baseball game I have ever seen. We got to St. Louis about 1 p.m. and went to park at the hotel. I know my new FJ sits kinda high, but I didn't really take into account the roof rack. I parked in the garage and as I pulled into the space we heard a loud "KATHUNK" and the truck shuddered. Apparently there was a low hanging concrete beam that I hadn't noticed. Here are what the results look like.

I now have nice little white racing stripes on the top of my black roof rack. Oh well.

The game started about three, The Girlfriend found us great seats in the shade although it wasn't really necessary since the temp only got to about 82. It was pretty slow until the later innings with Chicago pretty much in control. Then, behind 4-3 in the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outs, Rick Ankiel slaps a 2 run single and the Cards win! A great day at the ballpark.

Afterwards, we ate at Charlie Gitto's Pasta house (I will let The Girlfriend tell you about it) and walked over to the Arch. She couldn't remember going up as a little girl so we decided to give it a try. Unfortunately it was sold out, but there was a huge crowd forming underneath it and when she asked a park ranger, they said there was a fireworks show (even though it was now the 5th). So we sat down at the steps of the Arch and watched as a barge was pushed up the Mississippi and then we were treated to a twenty or thirty minute fireworks display. It all topped off a great day.

I Want My Blood Back!

I donated blood a couple of weeks ago and as a reward, the Red Cross gave me a couple of free passes to the movies. The Girlfriend saw a clip from "The Love Guru" that featured Justin Timberlake as a hockey player named Jacques "Le Coq" Grande whose "stick" is quite large. I had my doubts, but we went to go see it today. Let me sum up the way I feel about this movie.

WHAT A STEAMING PILE OF DONKEY SHIT!!!!!

Two elephants fucking during the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs was the highlight of this so called "comedy". I miss my red blood cells.

Time On The Lake

Last weekend, my favorite cousin called and said that she and her family were coming to Tennessee to do some camping and hang out on the lake (I guess they either have to little or to much water in Illinois). She wanted to know if The Girlfriend and I could come hang out with them. We managed to work last Thursday into our schedule and met up at that lake. We spent the day cruising and drinking beer, ate well, and then I get home to find that I got enough sun to make me look like a raccoon. I need to either ditch the sunglasses or put more sun screen on my face. The Girlfriend and I enjoyed our day in the sun. My cousin is eight years older than I and the first thing she did was tell The Girlfriend about how excited she was when I came home from the hospital. She said that she rushed home from school to see me, ran to the crib and leaned over and I rewarded her eagerness by peeing in her face. I'm such a bastard. This is a picture of me (on the left), my 2nd cousin (white t-shirt), my favorite cousin (sunglasses) and my 2nd cousin's husband holding my third cousin. It was good to see them and I apologized again (for like the 52nd time) for peeing in her face.