The Joy Of Flying
I use to be a fearless flyer. Ever since I was little, I liked to fly. My mom says that I was incorrigible. She claims that I pinched the ass of every stewardess that I ever met. Wish I could get away with that now.
Things are a little different now of course, but my problem with airplanes began around 1995. I had gone back to school and managed to get a night job at FedEx working in the hub sorting packages. It was a shit job with crazy hours and low pay, but the big perk at the time was the fact that you could jump seat on any of their planes.
If you aren't aware, in the cockpit of most jets, there is a little seat that folds down called the jump seat. Apparently it was put there for FAA officials to observe pilots or some official crap like that, but FedEx allowed their employees to use those seats to travel. You could jump down to Florida for the day and jump back that night. Sounds pretty cool, huh?
The second time I used this little perk was during fall break one year. A buddy of mine also worked at FedEx and we decided to jump from Memphis to San Francisco. He chickened out at the last minute, so I went by myself. The flight out was as uneventful as flying in a jump seat can be. Nothing special happened, but when you fly in the jump seat you are literally looking over the pilots shoulder, and let me say, the ground rushes up at you quite quickly on landings.
I spent three or four days in 'Frisco and enjoyed all of the sights. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge, saw the Blue Angels perform over Alcatraz, ate a lot of food and just took in the city. I love San Francisco and plan to move there after I win the lottery.
The trip back was a little more dramatic.
The first jet I boarded was a smaller plane, I don't remember the type, and I sat right behind the pilot. As the plane taxied to the runway, you could feel a regular "thump" through out the jet. Kind of a "bah bump......bah bump.....bah bump....." The pilot remarked to the co-pilot "they must have put the square wheels on this one." I didn't like the sound of that, but they stress to you that you cannot talk to the pilots, so I kept my mouth shut. The plane begins to pick up speed and the thumping gets quicker and quicker, the fillings are starting to rattle in my teeth and you can hear crap rolling around in the containers in the cargo hold. I feel that familiar lift in my gut as the plane starts to leave the tarmac and suddenly the co-pilot yells at the top of his lungs "I've lost the altimeter, abort the take off!" The pilot slams on the brakes, tires are squealing, the end of the runway is coming up and I'm pissing my pants.
We come to a stop with plenty of room to spare and the pilot turns to me and says "you had better find another way back to Memphis, this bitch ain't going anywhere."
So they take me back to the hub and I work the phones. Now I'm taking a flight to San Jose and then changing planes to fly back to Memphis. The plane to Memphis was a DC-10 and the set up was just like you saw in the movie "Castaway". There is the flight cabin and behind that are two regular airplane seats mounted against the bulkhead, a bathroom, and then the cargo area. This time I had a companion, a young black girl that I had never met before.
Take off happened without a hitch and we are about an hour into the flight, when the engineer comes out of the cabin to get the crew's food. FedEx puts some box lunches in a cooler for the crew, but the jumpers just have to suck it up and starve. The engineer walks through the door, gets the lunches from the cooler and on the way back he stops, looks at the young black girl and I, furrows his brow and sort of wrinkles up his nose like one of us has shit their pants. I wasn't overly offended since I probably did shart in my boxers after the aborted take off.
He disappears into the cabin for a minute or so and then pokes his head out and says "you two come in here, NOW!" I thought, oh crap, I've done it now. The young black girl and I unbuckle and make our way into the cabin. The engineer points to two little jumpseats side by side and says "Sit." After we get buckled into the seats, he starts breaking out the oxygen masks.
A slight note about the oxygen masks. They had to train us to wear them correctly before they would let us fly. These weren't the little yellow cup things you see on a commercial flight. They were full blown masks that cover the entire face like a fighter pilot might wear. I look over at the young black girl and her eyes are as big as saucers and I'm sure mine were the same. We both knew this was highly irregular.
I'm listening to the pilot chatter and start to piece things together. They are on the radio with air traffic control in Las Vegas requesting an emergency landing. Vegas wants to know what the nature of the emergency is and the pilot replies "We have aviation fuel fumes in the cockpit." I had never smelled a thing.
So the plane starts banking sharply and then practically dives toward the ground. If you have ever landed in Vegas, you know that the airport is near the strip and since this was all happening at night, I thought I saw the lights from all of the casinos. As we get closer, I realize that the lights I am seeing are the ones on top of the emergency vehicles lining the runway, fire trucks, those foam sprayers and a couple of ambulances. Ok, now I've really dropped a load in my shorts and by this time the young black girl that I don't know is locked onto me in a death hug and I'm hugging her back and we are both muttering prayers and just completely freaking out.
The plane lands without a problem, they unload us quickly and then run us into the terminal. Somebody official comes in and tells us that it will be several hours before they can let us know what's going to happen and if we have to make any phone calls we can use the one on his desk. I call my boss back in Memphis to let him know that I don't think I'm going to make it to work. He calls me everything from a heathen to a liar and I finally hang up on him.
At about four in the morning, one of the ground crew comes in to tell us that they had to unload the entire plane. They finally found some part from a jet fuel system that maintenance had loaded onto the plane, but didn't think to empty all of the fuel out of it. He said we were never in any danger, but that didn't help clean my drawers.
I quit FedEx shortly after that and went to work for UPS. The hours were better and I never once shit my pants.
Things are a little different now of course, but my problem with airplanes began around 1995. I had gone back to school and managed to get a night job at FedEx working in the hub sorting packages. It was a shit job with crazy hours and low pay, but the big perk at the time was the fact that you could jump seat on any of their planes.
If you aren't aware, in the cockpit of most jets, there is a little seat that folds down called the jump seat. Apparently it was put there for FAA officials to observe pilots or some official crap like that, but FedEx allowed their employees to use those seats to travel. You could jump down to Florida for the day and jump back that night. Sounds pretty cool, huh?
The second time I used this little perk was during fall break one year. A buddy of mine also worked at FedEx and we decided to jump from Memphis to San Francisco. He chickened out at the last minute, so I went by myself. The flight out was as uneventful as flying in a jump seat can be. Nothing special happened, but when you fly in the jump seat you are literally looking over the pilots shoulder, and let me say, the ground rushes up at you quite quickly on landings.
I spent three or four days in 'Frisco and enjoyed all of the sights. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge, saw the Blue Angels perform over Alcatraz, ate a lot of food and just took in the city. I love San Francisco and plan to move there after I win the lottery.
The trip back was a little more dramatic.
The first jet I boarded was a smaller plane, I don't remember the type, and I sat right behind the pilot. As the plane taxied to the runway, you could feel a regular "thump" through out the jet. Kind of a "bah bump......bah bump.....bah bump....." The pilot remarked to the co-pilot "they must have put the square wheels on this one." I didn't like the sound of that, but they stress to you that you cannot talk to the pilots, so I kept my mouth shut. The plane begins to pick up speed and the thumping gets quicker and quicker, the fillings are starting to rattle in my teeth and you can hear crap rolling around in the containers in the cargo hold. I feel that familiar lift in my gut as the plane starts to leave the tarmac and suddenly the co-pilot yells at the top of his lungs "I've lost the altimeter, abort the take off!" The pilot slams on the brakes, tires are squealing, the end of the runway is coming up and I'm pissing my pants.
We come to a stop with plenty of room to spare and the pilot turns to me and says "you had better find another way back to Memphis, this bitch ain't going anywhere."
So they take me back to the hub and I work the phones. Now I'm taking a flight to San Jose and then changing planes to fly back to Memphis. The plane to Memphis was a DC-10 and the set up was just like you saw in the movie "Castaway". There is the flight cabin and behind that are two regular airplane seats mounted against the bulkhead, a bathroom, and then the cargo area. This time I had a companion, a young black girl that I had never met before.
Take off happened without a hitch and we are about an hour into the flight, when the engineer comes out of the cabin to get the crew's food. FedEx puts some box lunches in a cooler for the crew, but the jumpers just have to suck it up and starve. The engineer walks through the door, gets the lunches from the cooler and on the way back he stops, looks at the young black girl and I, furrows his brow and sort of wrinkles up his nose like one of us has shit their pants. I wasn't overly offended since I probably did shart in my boxers after the aborted take off.
He disappears into the cabin for a minute or so and then pokes his head out and says "you two come in here, NOW!" I thought, oh crap, I've done it now. The young black girl and I unbuckle and make our way into the cabin. The engineer points to two little jumpseats side by side and says "Sit." After we get buckled into the seats, he starts breaking out the oxygen masks.
A slight note about the oxygen masks. They had to train us to wear them correctly before they would let us fly. These weren't the little yellow cup things you see on a commercial flight. They were full blown masks that cover the entire face like a fighter pilot might wear. I look over at the young black girl and her eyes are as big as saucers and I'm sure mine were the same. We both knew this was highly irregular.
I'm listening to the pilot chatter and start to piece things together. They are on the radio with air traffic control in Las Vegas requesting an emergency landing. Vegas wants to know what the nature of the emergency is and the pilot replies "We have aviation fuel fumes in the cockpit." I had never smelled a thing.
So the plane starts banking sharply and then practically dives toward the ground. If you have ever landed in Vegas, you know that the airport is near the strip and since this was all happening at night, I thought I saw the lights from all of the casinos. As we get closer, I realize that the lights I am seeing are the ones on top of the emergency vehicles lining the runway, fire trucks, those foam sprayers and a couple of ambulances. Ok, now I've really dropped a load in my shorts and by this time the young black girl that I don't know is locked onto me in a death hug and I'm hugging her back and we are both muttering prayers and just completely freaking out.
The plane lands without a problem, they unload us quickly and then run us into the terminal. Somebody official comes in and tells us that it will be several hours before they can let us know what's going to happen and if we have to make any phone calls we can use the one on his desk. I call my boss back in Memphis to let him know that I don't think I'm going to make it to work. He calls me everything from a heathen to a liar and I finally hang up on him.
At about four in the morning, one of the ground crew comes in to tell us that they had to unload the entire plane. They finally found some part from a jet fuel system that maintenance had loaded onto the plane, but didn't think to empty all of the fuel out of it. He said we were never in any danger, but that didn't help clean my drawers.
I quit FedEx shortly after that and went to work for UPS. The hours were better and I never once shit my pants.
posted by Bat at 12:29 AM
1 Comments:
whoa! i was gonna say it's pretty cool they let you use the jump-seat for free.. but then the hair-raising, shorts-wetting comes for free with that too!!
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