Drunk Dialers
I recently received a phone call from an inebriated friend. It was very entertaining, but I didn't envy them the hangover. I started thinking, "you know, there is a pattern to these phone calls." I discussed it with a few other friends and this is the result.
Stage 1: Rock Out With Your Cock Out
In this stage, the drunk dialer is usually at his/her peak. They are drunk enough to not be encumbered by things such as time of day or appropriateness of the call. The conversation usually begins with "WHOOOO HOOOOO, I'M SOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED UP!" At this stage the caller is usually good for a laugh unless it's three in the morning.
Stage 2: I Love You Man
Pretty self explanatory. The initial buzz is still there, but now the filter between the brain and mouth is completely gone. The friend has their heart wide open and is expressing the true reason they called. "I love you man! No, really. Listen to me, I LOVE YOU MAN!" Initially this stage can give the recipient of the call the warm and fuzzies, but eventually it ends up in frustration. "I know, I love you to. I promise. No really. Yes, you are my best friend. Yes, I know you would take a bullet for me. No, it isn't necessary to demonstrate."
Stage 3: I'm Sorry
The drunk dialer is down but not out. They now realize that it was probably a mistake to have this conversation when they are to intoxicated to a.) control their mouth and b.) remember anything they are saying the next morning. This portion of the conversation goes something like "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so drunk. Do you believe me? I promise I'm sorry." If you don't nip this train of thought in the bud, you will spend the next thirty minutes hearing every perceived wrong that the drunk dialer believes they have ever done. I usually just agree with them. "I'm sorry you are so drunk too. Yes, it is a pitty that you drank half a bottle of tequila and three Jager bombs. No, I don't think you are evil for finishing off the entire magnum of wine." The downside of agreeing with them is that sometimes they become irate because their brain is telling them that you are attacking them personally. "What are you trying to say? I'll get fucked up if I wanna get fucked up! You cock knocker, if you weren't so uptight, you'd be fucked up right now too." It's a fine line between "I'm sorry" and "fuck you, you fucking mother fucker." This is the most delicate portion of the conversation and I wish you luck during this stage.
Stage 4: I'm Not Tired
In this stage, the drunk dialer is done. Kaput. They have zero energy left and the demon alcohol is putting the brain down for its pre-hangover nap. The problem is, the dialer will deny it until they literally pass out. "No, I'm alright......mumble mumble mumble....I'm not even sleepy......mumble, hic, mumble.....I'm going to Krystal........mumble mumble mumble.......I don't feel like going to bed yet." Your job as the friend is to convince this person that they are truly done for the night. If they are at home, you are halfway there. Most drunks in Stage 4 cannot resist their bed. If you can talk them into actually laying down for a minute, your night is done. However, if they are out on the town, you only have two choices. Drop your cock, put on some shoes and go get them or convince somebody else in the bar/at the party/standing in the liquor store to take them home. Good luck with the second one. Most people don't want to get involved. If they did, you wouldn't have gotten the phone call in the first place.
Anyway, that's they way I see it.
"Find your home or I will find one for you!"
-Knoxville Police Officer, circa 1990-
Stage 1: Rock Out With Your Cock Out
In this stage, the drunk dialer is usually at his/her peak. They are drunk enough to not be encumbered by things such as time of day or appropriateness of the call. The conversation usually begins with "WHOOOO HOOOOO, I'M SOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKED UP!" At this stage the caller is usually good for a laugh unless it's three in the morning.
Stage 2: I Love You Man
Pretty self explanatory. The initial buzz is still there, but now the filter between the brain and mouth is completely gone. The friend has their heart wide open and is expressing the true reason they called. "I love you man! No, really. Listen to me, I LOVE YOU MAN!" Initially this stage can give the recipient of the call the warm and fuzzies, but eventually it ends up in frustration. "I know, I love you to. I promise. No really. Yes, you are my best friend. Yes, I know you would take a bullet for me. No, it isn't necessary to demonstrate."
Stage 3: I'm Sorry
The drunk dialer is down but not out. They now realize that it was probably a mistake to have this conversation when they are to intoxicated to a.) control their mouth and b.) remember anything they are saying the next morning. This portion of the conversation goes something like "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so drunk. Do you believe me? I promise I'm sorry." If you don't nip this train of thought in the bud, you will spend the next thirty minutes hearing every perceived wrong that the drunk dialer believes they have ever done. I usually just agree with them. "I'm sorry you are so drunk too. Yes, it is a pitty that you drank half a bottle of tequila and three Jager bombs. No, I don't think you are evil for finishing off the entire magnum of wine." The downside of agreeing with them is that sometimes they become irate because their brain is telling them that you are attacking them personally. "What are you trying to say? I'll get fucked up if I wanna get fucked up! You cock knocker, if you weren't so uptight, you'd be fucked up right now too." It's a fine line between "I'm sorry" and "fuck you, you fucking mother fucker." This is the most delicate portion of the conversation and I wish you luck during this stage.
Stage 4: I'm Not Tired
In this stage, the drunk dialer is done. Kaput. They have zero energy left and the demon alcohol is putting the brain down for its pre-hangover nap. The problem is, the dialer will deny it until they literally pass out. "No, I'm alright......mumble mumble mumble....I'm not even sleepy......mumble, hic, mumble.....I'm going to Krystal........mumble mumble mumble.......I don't feel like going to bed yet." Your job as the friend is to convince this person that they are truly done for the night. If they are at home, you are halfway there. Most drunks in Stage 4 cannot resist their bed. If you can talk them into actually laying down for a minute, your night is done. However, if they are out on the town, you only have two choices. Drop your cock, put on some shoes and go get them or convince somebody else in the bar/at the party/standing in the liquor store to take them home. Good luck with the second one. Most people don't want to get involved. If they did, you wouldn't have gotten the phone call in the first place.
Anyway, that's they way I see it.
"Find your home or I will find one for you!"
-Knoxville Police Officer, circa 1990-
posted by Bat at 9:06 PM
13 Comments:
hehehehe... yep that was the way it went.
I am the queen of drunk dials. My phone has to be taken away from me at a certain point.
ROTFLMAO. I'll bet you even tried to stop her from posting last night too.
Funny stuff, C.
I received one of these calls this morning. Normally, I would be irate at being woken up at 2 AM, when I have to get up in five hours, but this call made me laugh until I was crying.
Yes, I love both of you as well (I received the “I love you man” one too many times), but I’m not getting out of bed and finding a babysitter, to drive downtown when you thought it would be funny to streak through our redneck downtown metropolis.
It seems one of our friends was tossed in jail for her naked marathon. Silly rabbits.
bte... LOL, you know he did, but I'm not good at listening when I'm that drunk!
I just don't answer the phone. Radical idea? oh sure.
Um, so is this why you two are not dating?
LOL! I LOVE this post. It's all true. And I hate it when I drunk dial!! ;)
OH, my favorite line? "...going to Krystal"..LMAO!!! I've so been there and done that;D
And then there is the breakdown into tears. As you know I've been the recipient of many a drunk call. I just listen and quietly try to put them to bed.
Not like I haven't done it, just not to you...yet! ;)
Uhg - I had a drunk “dial”(except in person – much worse) the other night - in the bath with the Freckle Boy and I went from giggling, to horny, to quickie, to crying, to profusely apologizing and back to horny in about 10 minutes.... unfortunately all the fun things I did that night (you didn't think I’d leave it at just a quickie did ya?) all I can remember clearly is blubbering. In my defense I was laying in the nice hot bath and went just a little tipsy and thought I was just feeling oh so relaxed because of the bath; then I sat up. Damn alky - it's after me!
Dead on and hysterical. Oh, and I wish a cop would offer me THAT alternative.
hehe.. that was hilarious, and perfectly true too!! amazing!!
NB: the word i got for my word verification sounds like something i'd say in Stage 4 - glbemnk
Funny, so did MINE: fvkqhu
(sounds like what I mumble during my annual birthday drink-dial-athon).
Inevitably, I go out for a few adult beverages (now that I'm a year older, eh what). And inevitably, dear friends in different time zones call me to wish me happy returns of the day. My verbal aptitude has declined sadly by then, and the result is much like a word verification:
"Oh yeah? Well Happy FVKQHU Birthday to YOU TOO!"
FIRST TIME READING BUT I LOVE THIS POST!!!
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