My Evil Twin
Yesterday, I was told by somebody that she had been practicing her stalker skills. I asked her what she meant and the reply was "You were quite accident prone for a while weren't you? You had accidents in '96, '98, and 2000."
What???
Turns out she knows somebody with connections to the Memphis Police Department and was able to "check up" on me. I guess I deserve it to an extent since I had made fun of her for being involved in a stereotypical woman car accident. She dropped her phone while driving and when she tried to retrieve it, she ran over a wooden sign.
Still. She was very lucky, or I was very lucky depending on how you look at it. There is somebody else with my exact name that lives in the same town. He is a bad man.
My first clue was shortly after I started work in Jackson. I walked into the department at seven in the morning and the first person I met wanted to know "What are you doing here?" I responded with surprise. I knew that I hadn't worked there very long, but it was a little quick to be fired. When they saw the look of confusion on my face, I was told that somebody with my name had come through the emergency room at two in the morning with a head injury. Seems my twin was at a local night club, got drunk, fell off of the dance floor and whacked his melon. I pointed out that it couldn't have been me because I had been sound asleep at that time. This was only the beginning of my evil twin's antics.
Six months later I got a phone call from a woman that identified herself as "Tiffany's mother." Now I knew a Tiffany in high school and we had actually gone to prom together, but I had never talked to her mother and didn't realize that she knew who I was. I asked what I could do for her and she said "Well, I want to know how long it's going to be before I get my daughter's wedding pictures."
What???
Apparently my twin had been paid to take some pictures at a "Tiffany's" wedding. I assured the woman that it wasn't me and I had no idea where the pictures were.
About a year after that, a local medical clinic called to inform me that I owed them over $6,000 in medical fees. Again, I had to explain that it wasn't me and that I had never stepped foot in their clinic.
Around 2003, a woman called and said "This is your mother." Well, I knew that this lady with the Clampet accent was not my mother and tried to let her down easy.
"Are you sure you aren't the Chad from Skullbones, Tennessee?"
"Ma'am, I promise you that not only do I not know where Skullbones, Tennessee is, but I would disown a mother that sounded like Granny after she had "smoked" to many "crawdads." The kicker was when she asked if I knew where her son was as if we had some kind of psychic connection because we had the same name. I think she was looking to borrow money.
Shortly after that, I was served a subpoena to appear in a local court. I had found a toddler wandering in a parking lot and the mother was being charged with child endangerment or something. When I stepped out of the house, the officer had an intense look in his eyes and said "I'm looking for Chad."
I explained to him that my name was Chad and what could I do for him. He waved the subpoena in the air and said "You aren't the Chad I know. I'm not sure this is for you, but this is the address I was given."
Jackpot. I asked John Q. Law about the Chad that he knew and he blurted "You don't want to be involved with him," and then I swear he quoted Lady Byron and said "He is mad, bad, and dangerous to know." That was all I could get out of him.
The final straw was a phone call I got from an irate lady who was somewhere in Kentucky. She threaten to come to Jackson and "plant a foot in my ass" if her fiance went to jail because of me. I got her calmed down and explained that regardless of how entertaining it would be for some to see me with a size seven in my colon, I hadn't been to Kentucky in years and didn't know her crack head fiance. Her response was "Do you know where Chad is?" I suggested that she start looking under rocks and to leave me alone.
The point is that now, in the age of "Google", every time I meet somebody I have to explain that I have an evil twin out there and to please, please pause first if somebody tells them in the local vernacular "that Chad be a bad mutha', pop a cap in his nuts if you see him." I had forgotten to tell this person that felt the need to check my background. I guess we are all lucky that my record came up first. Accident prone indeed!
What???
Turns out she knows somebody with connections to the Memphis Police Department and was able to "check up" on me. I guess I deserve it to an extent since I had made fun of her for being involved in a stereotypical woman car accident. She dropped her phone while driving and when she tried to retrieve it, she ran over a wooden sign.
Still. She was very lucky, or I was very lucky depending on how you look at it. There is somebody else with my exact name that lives in the same town. He is a bad man.
My first clue was shortly after I started work in Jackson. I walked into the department at seven in the morning and the first person I met wanted to know "What are you doing here?" I responded with surprise. I knew that I hadn't worked there very long, but it was a little quick to be fired. When they saw the look of confusion on my face, I was told that somebody with my name had come through the emergency room at two in the morning with a head injury. Seems my twin was at a local night club, got drunk, fell off of the dance floor and whacked his melon. I pointed out that it couldn't have been me because I had been sound asleep at that time. This was only the beginning of my evil twin's antics.
Six months later I got a phone call from a woman that identified herself as "Tiffany's mother." Now I knew a Tiffany in high school and we had actually gone to prom together, but I had never talked to her mother and didn't realize that she knew who I was. I asked what I could do for her and she said "Well, I want to know how long it's going to be before I get my daughter's wedding pictures."
What???
Apparently my twin had been paid to take some pictures at a "Tiffany's" wedding. I assured the woman that it wasn't me and I had no idea where the pictures were.
About a year after that, a local medical clinic called to inform me that I owed them over $6,000 in medical fees. Again, I had to explain that it wasn't me and that I had never stepped foot in their clinic.
Around 2003, a woman called and said "This is your mother." Well, I knew that this lady with the Clampet accent was not my mother and tried to let her down easy.
"Are you sure you aren't the Chad from Skullbones, Tennessee?"
"Ma'am, I promise you that not only do I not know where Skullbones, Tennessee is, but I would disown a mother that sounded like Granny after she had "smoked" to many "crawdads." The kicker was when she asked if I knew where her son was as if we had some kind of psychic connection because we had the same name. I think she was looking to borrow money.
Shortly after that, I was served a subpoena to appear in a local court. I had found a toddler wandering in a parking lot and the mother was being charged with child endangerment or something. When I stepped out of the house, the officer had an intense look in his eyes and said "I'm looking for Chad."
I explained to him that my name was Chad and what could I do for him. He waved the subpoena in the air and said "You aren't the Chad I know. I'm not sure this is for you, but this is the address I was given."
Jackpot. I asked John Q. Law about the Chad that he knew and he blurted "You don't want to be involved with him," and then I swear he quoted Lady Byron and said "He is mad, bad, and dangerous to know." That was all I could get out of him.
The final straw was a phone call I got from an irate lady who was somewhere in Kentucky. She threaten to come to Jackson and "plant a foot in my ass" if her fiance went to jail because of me. I got her calmed down and explained that regardless of how entertaining it would be for some to see me with a size seven in my colon, I hadn't been to Kentucky in years and didn't know her crack head fiance. Her response was "Do you know where Chad is?" I suggested that she start looking under rocks and to leave me alone.
The point is that now, in the age of "Google", every time I meet somebody I have to explain that I have an evil twin out there and to please, please pause first if somebody tells them in the local vernacular "that Chad be a bad mutha', pop a cap in his nuts if you see him." I had forgotten to tell this person that felt the need to check my background. I guess we are all lucky that my record came up first. Accident prone indeed!
posted by Bat at 7:38 PM
1 Comments:
Perhaps there is more than one evil twin. This one sounds pretty busy.
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