Team Chunk

Somebody recently asked me "can we be friends." I thought it was a tad odd. I mean, people just become friends don't they? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that being friends is like a job. So, from now on, if you want to be my friend, you must submit an application. Like any other job, before you apply, you want to know what the job description is and what the benefits are. So, I present the employment policy and procedures for Team Chunk.

Team Chunk

Mission Statement: Team Chunk will consist of the best friend that money cannot buy. We strive to be the best friend possible and provide 100% friend satisfaction.

Employment: The application process is simple. Ask. Team Chunk does not discriminate based on color, creed, or sexual preference. However, be aware that Team Chunk reserves the right to refuse employment based on planet of origin.

Sexual harassment: Team Chunk has a strict sexual harassment policy. We encourage it. Same sex harassment may be ignored, but perversely, it is appreciated.

Pay: At no time will a person be expected to pay to participate in Team Chunk

Time Off: Team members are encouraged to take time off from Team Chunk as needed. Mental health days may be taken at will. Be aware that extended absence from Team Chunk in no way relieves you or Team Chunk from friend responsibilities. Membership in Team Chunk is considered a lifetime commitment.

Benefits: Benefits will vary according to the individual. Your benefit package is subject to change at anytime, basically because the team leader can be an ass. Benefits include, but are not limited to, gifts, drunken phone calls, beer, favors, event tickets, appliance repair, automobile repair, etc. Be aware, if your benefits are refused or not used, they may be reassigned to another team member.

Dismissal: Offenses that may cause dismissal are few. Lying, cheating, or bestiality will result in immediate dismissal. Other offenses that may result in suspension of benefits include jealousy, snooping through team members shit, showing up at the team leader's house without prior notification, outstanding loans, and breaking the team leader's shit. Team Chunk is aware that the relationship between the team and the team member is a two way process and will strive to avoid committing any of the above offenses.

The next time somebody ask if we can be friends, I'm gonna hand them a copy of this.