Insomnia Sucks!

I can't sleep tonight. It happens every once in a while. The Girlfriend gets upset because if I don't go to bed with her, she thinks something is wrong......or that I want to go upstairs at sneak a look at porn. The sad fact is, sometimes I just can't sleep.

I was laying there in bed tonight, listening to The Girlfriend snurffle (she isn't feeling well) and my mind started to wander. I ended up thinking about my time in college, which isn't unusual. I guess it's because those four and a half years spent at the University of Tennessee were the last days I had that I didn't have to worry about anything. I mean, yeah, there are tests and projects and papers and such, but in the grand scheme of things, school work just doesn't match up to mortgages, car payments, etc.

Invariably, I always end up thinking about my fraternity. I haven't talked to any of those guys in ten years or so, but for four and a half years, they were family. They recently tore down my old fraternity house and I guess that was what got me thinking tonight.

Each pledge class in the fraternity used to take time late in the quarter and vote on which brother had been the biggest pain in the ass during their time as pledges. Fall quarter, my sophomore year, they all voted for me. What did this mean? Something called a "Goat Ride."
Basically, they kidnapped me at the Halloween party, which pissed me off to no end. It was a great party and I had gone as Pepe Lopez, the guy on the tequila bottle.

I was thrown into the trunk of a car and they drove for what seemed like hours. They finally stopped and I was pulled out of the trunk. I was somewhere in the middle of the woods. The rules were that they had to leave me money for a phone call and a six pack. That was pretty much it for the rules. They tied me to a tree in my Pepe Lopez outfit (think sombrero and horse blanket) and left a six pack of Black Label next to me. They were laughing and having a good ole time, one of them slapped me on the shoulder and said "Have fun getting back Bat." I wasn't too worried, most of the time the kidnapped brother was back within the hour. I had the presence of mind to yell at them as they were leaving "Hey, I need a quarter for the phone call!" One of the pledges turned around and walked back to me. He leaned over the six pack and I could hear the clink of metal on metal. "There ya go," he said as he walked away. In the faint moonlight I could see that there was a quarter on top of one of the beer cans, but IT WAS BENT!!! I called them every foul name I could think of as they walked away. They just laughed.

I waited until they drove off before I tried to get loose. I knew if I slipped my bonds while they were there, they would just come back and tie them tighter. It didn't take me long to get my hands free. I quickly chugged one of the beers, grabbed one more for the road and left the rest of them sitting there. Off I go in my horse blanket and sombrero carrying a Black Label. I stumbled through the woods for what seemed like and eternity, I couldn't find the road that the pledges had used to get back into the woods. Finally, I came upon a black top road, but no traffic. The moon is gone by this time so I just pick a direction and start walking. Eventually, I hear a sound behind me and see a set of headlights moving toward me. My thumb goes out, Pepe Lopez outfit and all, and the vehicle slows down. As it gets closer, I'm able to see that it's what I like to call a "kidnapping van." One of those vans with no windows past the front doors. The van stops and I open the door. I can't really see inside, but a man's voice says "where ya headed?"

"Just to the next truck stop or whatever, " I reply. I swear to you the guy replies, "Well saddle up partner."

So I climb up into the van, thankful that it's warm and I have a ride. My first hint of trouble is when the driver peels out and barrels up to ninety miles an hour on this two lane. The second hint of trouble is when he opens his pie hole and the words start to come out faster than the van was going. I quickly learned that he was headed home to South Carolina. He had apparently driven non stop from South Carolina to Michigan and was now almost home, all in twenty-four hours. NON STOP. He tells me that he does this three or four times a week and I soon realize that I don't want to know why he needs to do this. The man was wired!!

We drive for a little while (he drives, I hang on for dear life, not wanting to look, but not daring to close my eyes because it's obvious that I've hitched a ride with a psycho) and dawn begins to break. I see a truck stop up in the distance and instantly and insistently tell him "This is fine, this is fine!!! Right here!!" He locks up the breaks (I kid you not) and we leave about twenty yards of rubber on the pavement. I hop out and RUN to the truck stop. Last I saw of him, there was a cloud of smoke and the sound of an engine being revved to the limit as he took off.

So now I'm at a truck stop. At least it's civilization, kinda. There isn't anything else around but more woods. I go inside and find a phone. Without any cash, I have to call the fraternity house collect and pray that somebody is sober enough to answer the phone. Bob picks up and says "What happened to you? We figured you had a girlfriend pick you up or something since you didn't come back to the party." I muttered a few expletives, explained that I was at a gas and go somewhere in the boonies and I needed somebody to come get me. He asked where I was, so I leaned back from the phone and asked a waitress coming out of the truck stop's diner. She tells me I'm at so and so on highway whatever. I tell Bob and he says he is on his way.

Nothing to do now but wait. I head out to the front of the diner, sit down on the concrete and lean back against the wall. In my horse blanket and sombrero. I soon nod off only to be awakened by a friendly voice saying "Son? Son?"

I tip my hat back and look up to see the kindly face of a septuagenarian and his aged spouse. He leans down and says "Don't worry son, everybody has a time when they are down and out," and stuffs three dollars in my hand. Normally, I would have protested, but I suddenly became aware of what I must look like after stomping half drunk through the woods all night in a horse blanket and sombrero, not to mention what I must have smelled like. I simply said "thank you sir," and took the man's money.

Just as I was finishing up my bacon and eggs, Bob arrives. He takes one look at me and starts laughing. I just glared at him and climbed into his truck. He hands me a beer and says "Do you realize you are about thirty miles across the state line in North Carolina?"

The rest of the quarter, I was much nicer to the pledges.