May I Have My Penis Back Now?

I went to the mall to today for the third time in as many days. The great thing about being out of work (I don't start the new job until January eighth) is that the mall is empty. I finally managed to finish up my shopping, the last stop being T.G.I. Friday's for a gift card. While I was waiting for the hostess to bring me the card, I noticed the music playing overhead. Band Aid. Being a child of the eighties, I was very familiar with "Do They Know It's Christmas." I was humming along with the tune thinking, "aw man, here comes a part I love, when Sting sings 'The bitter sting of tears.'" I was kinda getting into it, singing out loud, when the most powerful part of the song caught me singing along. When Bono sings "Tonight thank God it's them, instead of you" in that powerful voice of his. The sheer enormity of his voice and those words suddenly caught up with me. I'm not very religious or very introspective. I don't worry about the world's problems or spend time reflecting on how fortunate I am. In that brief moment, that small amount of time that it took Bono to sing those words, I was suddenly all of those things and more. I was flooded with thoughts of "damn I'm lucky to be well fed, to be free to live as I choose, to be able to go about my daily business without being persecuted, to have somebody that cares about me, to have a family safe from strife and famine." My eyes welled with tears. Then I found my dick, said "fuck" out loud, snatched the gift card out of the waiter's hand and stomped out of the mall, grinching and scrooging the entire time. I will now re-establish my manhood with a stream of profane language.

Mutherfuckingcocksuckingdingleberrylickingfudgepackingsunnuvabitch!!!

Whew! Now I'm gonna go watch some NASCAR, drink a Schlitz and scratch my balls (just to make sure they are still there).