Sooner Or Later I Fuck Everything Up
So it's been almost a year since I posted, which is a good thing because it means nobody is reading this, also a good thing. I have to talk to somebody and since I have nobody, I'm going to write.
It's two in the morning and I can't sleep. My world has been turned completely upside down in the last week and I can't figure out what I'm doing. I haven't written mostly because I was content. My everyday life was pretty close to perfect. In the past year, I've done a lot and seen a lot, all with my girlfriend at my side. My life revolved around her and it looks like I screwed it up.
I picked her up from the airport last Sunday and knew something was out of kilter. She gave me a half smile, the kind you give a kid that did something cute, but not the wide grin and the eyes opening wide that I'm used to seeing. I chalked it up to her being tired. I chatted on about nonsensical things. This and that. When we got home, I proudly pointed out the household chores I had done while she was gone. She complained that she was tired, but couldn't take a nap. She had to get up early the next morning for work, and a nap would ruin sleep that night. So we sat on the couch watching TV, her on her laptop and me trying to get her attention. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back she was crying. I said "Why are you crying?" and like always I said it too loud and to abrupt. She snapped back "Don't yell at me!" And then goes on to tell me that she didn't want to come back. I was devastated by that simple statement, but let it drop for fear of creating a confrontation that I didn't want at that point.
I stayed out of her way Monday, but by Tuesday I had resolved to tell her that even though she thought I was heartless, she had hurt my feelings. When she got home from work, I brought the subject up and gave her the worst case scenario which was that she wanted me to move out so that her friend could move into the house. She tells me that her friend is not coming into the house, I could stay as long as I want, but she did want to break up.
I know I can be a shit heel. This is no secret. I have many faults but I always tried to be good to her. I guess our ideas of what was and wasn't good were very far apart. She says she tried to warn me, but when you continuously make plans for the future, thoughts of not being together did not come into the picture for me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. We talked more and I tried to find out what was wrong. Her issues seemed minor to me, considering the big picture, but they were obviously important to her. I offered solutions, compromises. She shot them down, but gave me a little hope by saying "I didn't think you would want to work on this. Can you give me a day to think it over?" I agreed.
The day passed and nothing was said. I was sure this was an ominous sign and I was right. It was over. In less than a week, I went from the center of her universe to outcast. I didn't understand and I still don't. Of course I don't have to understand, it isn't up to me.
So here I am, early in the morning, writing on a blog I had discarded a year ago. I can't sleep, my thoughts keep going to all of the things I did right for her and the anger starts to well. Then I have to remind myself of the things she says I did wrong and the sadness returns. I'm trapped where I'm not wanted, I'm trapped where everything is like a twist of the knife. She says there isn't anyone else, but that's little consolation, because there isn't me either. I still want to touch her, look in her eyes, call her sweetie. I don't have the right anymore.
She went out tonight, something she had planned for a while. I tried to go to bed, but lay awake hoping that she was ok and worse, knowing that she was ok. Ok without me. When she came home, I went upstairs and asked her for a hug. I just wanted to connect. It doesn't feel like I did.
I know she will probably read this eventually. I guessing that there will be little sympathy. I'm trying to be strong, but I want to beg her to give me another chance. I know that she wont. She looks at me and sees only the wrong and not the right and when you reach that point, there is no turning back. I'm going to miss her.
Thank you . Thanks for asking me to call. Thanks for looking at me that way. Thanks for moving with me. Thanks making me laugh. Thanks for taking me to Chicago. Thanks for talking to my Mom. Thanks for making my Dad and Step-dad love you. Thanks for dressing me. Thanks for putting me back in touch with my friends. Thanks for making coffee the night before. Thanks for making sure my tags are tucked and my pant legs are untucked. Thanks for feeding my dogs. Thanks for giving me a place to live. Thank you for everything.
It's two in the morning and I can't sleep. My world has been turned completely upside down in the last week and I can't figure out what I'm doing. I haven't written mostly because I was content. My everyday life was pretty close to perfect. In the past year, I've done a lot and seen a lot, all with my girlfriend at my side. My life revolved around her and it looks like I screwed it up.
I picked her up from the airport last Sunday and knew something was out of kilter. She gave me a half smile, the kind you give a kid that did something cute, but not the wide grin and the eyes opening wide that I'm used to seeing. I chalked it up to her being tired. I chatted on about nonsensical things. This and that. When we got home, I proudly pointed out the household chores I had done while she was gone. She complained that she was tired, but couldn't take a nap. She had to get up early the next morning for work, and a nap would ruin sleep that night. So we sat on the couch watching TV, her on her laptop and me trying to get her attention. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back she was crying. I said "Why are you crying?" and like always I said it too loud and to abrupt. She snapped back "Don't yell at me!" And then goes on to tell me that she didn't want to come back. I was devastated by that simple statement, but let it drop for fear of creating a confrontation that I didn't want at that point.
I stayed out of her way Monday, but by Tuesday I had resolved to tell her that even though she thought I was heartless, she had hurt my feelings. When she got home from work, I brought the subject up and gave her the worst case scenario which was that she wanted me to move out so that her friend could move into the house. She tells me that her friend is not coming into the house, I could stay as long as I want, but she did want to break up.
I know I can be a shit heel. This is no secret. I have many faults but I always tried to be good to her. I guess our ideas of what was and wasn't good were very far apart. She says she tried to warn me, but when you continuously make plans for the future, thoughts of not being together did not come into the picture for me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. We talked more and I tried to find out what was wrong. Her issues seemed minor to me, considering the big picture, but they were obviously important to her. I offered solutions, compromises. She shot them down, but gave me a little hope by saying "I didn't think you would want to work on this. Can you give me a day to think it over?" I agreed.
The day passed and nothing was said. I was sure this was an ominous sign and I was right. It was over. In less than a week, I went from the center of her universe to outcast. I didn't understand and I still don't. Of course I don't have to understand, it isn't up to me.
So here I am, early in the morning, writing on a blog I had discarded a year ago. I can't sleep, my thoughts keep going to all of the things I did right for her and the anger starts to well. Then I have to remind myself of the things she says I did wrong and the sadness returns. I'm trapped where I'm not wanted, I'm trapped where everything is like a twist of the knife. She says there isn't anyone else, but that's little consolation, because there isn't me either. I still want to touch her, look in her eyes, call her sweetie. I don't have the right anymore.
She went out tonight, something she had planned for a while. I tried to go to bed, but lay awake hoping that she was ok and worse, knowing that she was ok. Ok without me. When she came home, I went upstairs and asked her for a hug. I just wanted to connect. It doesn't feel like I did.
I know she will probably read this eventually. I guessing that there will be little sympathy. I'm trying to be strong, but I want to beg her to give me another chance. I know that she wont. She looks at me and sees only the wrong and not the right and when you reach that point, there is no turning back. I'm going to miss her.
Thank you . Thanks for asking me to call. Thanks for looking at me that way. Thanks for moving with me. Thanks making me laugh. Thanks for taking me to Chicago. Thanks for talking to my Mom. Thanks for making my Dad and Step-dad love you. Thanks for dressing me. Thanks for putting me back in touch with my friends. Thanks for making coffee the night before. Thanks for making sure my tags are tucked and my pant legs are untucked. Thanks for feeding my dogs. Thanks for giving me a place to live. Thank you for everything.
posted by Bat at 2:05 AM
1 Comments:
Break up are not allows easy especially if you are the one being broken up with. Keep your chin up! What helps me is to go out adn hang out with friends, hit the gym and pick up old hobbies. It seems to comfort the soul! :)
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