I Remember
I've been having trouble sleeping again. I can't explain it. My life is fairly drama free. What little drama there is has been easy to eliminate. Since I told her to stop contacting me, I don't have anything constantly reminding me, and yet my thoughts seem to constantly turn to her. It just occurred to me as I'm typing this that the day has turned and it's the tenth of the month. Could that be my problem?
It's so sad. I had another person tell me "Just call her and tell her you want her back." I have to explain that it doesn't matter what I want, only what she wants and she doesn't want me.
I found myself in front of the mirror a couple of days ago, chewing her a new one. Telling her that she is trailer trash, an inconsiderate, flaky, egotistical piece of work that didn't deserve to be happy. I caught myself and thought, "Are you finally cracking up? Your venting your anger at the mirror."
Then the last two days I keep thinking about all that we did and experienced together. The night I showed her Saturn's rings through my telescope. Sharing a cigar on the back deck. Holding her on the aft deck of a cruise ship at night, her hair blowing in my face, the light of the moon eclipsed by the smile she had for me. Her laugh as we watched Flutag on the shore of the river. Her sigh as I played with her hair. The memories hurt much more than they help. I always thought there would be more.
Now I know she is making new memories that don't include me. I know that she is happy and that hurts me to the core. She told me once that she hurt too. Maybe she did, but there is no way she can know how bad I hurt. Tonight, my spirit is crushed.
It's so sad. I had another person tell me "Just call her and tell her you want her back." I have to explain that it doesn't matter what I want, only what she wants and she doesn't want me.
I found myself in front of the mirror a couple of days ago, chewing her a new one. Telling her that she is trailer trash, an inconsiderate, flaky, egotistical piece of work that didn't deserve to be happy. I caught myself and thought, "Are you finally cracking up? Your venting your anger at the mirror."
Then the last two days I keep thinking about all that we did and experienced together. The night I showed her Saturn's rings through my telescope. Sharing a cigar on the back deck. Holding her on the aft deck of a cruise ship at night, her hair blowing in my face, the light of the moon eclipsed by the smile she had for me. Her laugh as we watched Flutag on the shore of the river. Her sigh as I played with her hair. The memories hurt much more than they help. I always thought there would be more.
Now I know she is making new memories that don't include me. I know that she is happy and that hurts me to the core. She told me once that she hurt too. Maybe she did, but there is no way she can know how bad I hurt. Tonight, my spirit is crushed.
posted by Bat at 2:01 AM
1 Comments:
=(
Sorry to hear you're having another rough night. You're not cracking up. People process situations differently. Your brain releases memories or thoughts a bit at a time in a pace that you can deal with them. Sometimes there's a lot of stuff to release and process, but you'll pull through.
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