Overheard At Work

"They raided the main crack house behind my home so now we only have the guy sitting in the driveway across the street selling rocks."

*Sigh*

7:00 a.m. Clocked in for work.

7:45 a.m. Had a long conversation with department director about my weekend.

8:00 a.m. Saw three consecutive patients and their families.

11:00 a.m. Spoke at length with a physician on the merits of starting Vince Young over Kerry Collins when playing the Cowboys next Sunday.

11:15 a.m. Said hi and waved to girlfriend's best friend at work.

12:00 p.m. Went to lunch. Stood in very long line to have lunch in crowded cafeteria.

12:34 p.m. Realized that my fly had been wide open since I had put my pants on this morning.

*Sigh*

Why I Am This Way

Growing up, we lived in a house that was at the bottom of a hill. Not a great big hill, but none the less, it was a hill. I used to fly down that hill on my bicycle, no hands on the bars and just enjoy the wind and the speed. One year, when I was about twelve, my aunt and cousins were visiting from Illinois. My cousins were quite a bit older than me and used to tease me relentlessly, but I liked it when they came to visit because I could blame things on them. In my defense, it was usually their fault. Like the time I was eight and Carrie told me to go in the living room and call my mom an "old bastard." Like I knew what that meant. Mom knew though.

So, my cousins and aunt were in town and I was riding my bike. I came flying down the hill like usual, not a care in the world. I became distracted by something and took my eyes off of the road. BAM!!!! I ran smack into the back of a parked car. I flipped over the handlebars and landed on the trunk, rolled off and landed in the street. Embarrassed, I stood up and saw my bike. I had hit the car so hard that the bike had wedged itself underneath the rear bumper....standing straight up! Just like I had parked it with the kick stand down or something. Now, I loved my bike. It was gold with a number one sign on it. It had the killer banana seat and I had tricked it out with baseball cards in the spokes and a speedometer/odometer my parents had given me for Christmas. As a final touch I had fashioned a parachute behind the seat out of something, I don't remember what, and could often be found flying along like a speed demon and releasing that parachute.

At first I was relieved. The bike seemed untouched so I went to pull it out from under the bumper. It was STUCK!!! No matter how much pushing or pulling I did, the car would not release my bike. I resorted to kicking tires and using the swear words I knew (A tactic I still use to this day) to no avail. By now, tears of frustration were rolling.

This entire episode had happened almost directly in front of my house, so finally I ran to our carport door and dramatically slung it open. The entire family, mom, dad, aunt, cousins, were all sitting at the kitchen table. I started to relay my story punctuated with the sobs and sniffles that only a pre-teen can emit. I'm sure it sounded something like "I....(sniff)...wrecked...(sob)....my....(snort)...bike! I...(another sniff with a little snot bubble)... hit ...(deep breath)...a...car!"

To everyone's credit, they all jumped up to make sure I was alright. They were puzzled because it soon became apparent that I wasn't injured and finally they realized that I was upset about my bike. So the entire family files out of the kitchen door and rounds the corner of the carport with me in the lead.

I was very dramatic and pointed "There it is." My poor bike standing straight up underneath the rear bumper of a gigantic (to me) car. I turned to look at my family, assured they would be as upset as I. I looked at their faces. The slack jaws. The wide eyes. I was waiting for the outrage that was sure to come.

One by one, their motionless bodies began to contort. It was much like I imagine a group seizure must look. Then the sounds. At first, just a snort, then a chuckle, finally the entire family just fell out in the driveway, laughing and guffawing. Tears rolling out of their eyes.

I have never forgiven that car.

Amandapalooza!!!

An explanation is in order for the countdown box on the right of this blog. The Girlfriend did an excellent job of surprising me on my last birthday.

It started on a Thursday last April. Mom came to town to watch the dogs for me while we drove to Nashville. She had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, so she decided to stay for the weekend. It made sense to me, but little did I know she was in collaboration with certain sneaky parties.

We went to Nashville on Thursday for the hockey game.

I had bought party zone tickets, so I immediately began trying to get my money's worth in beer. By the time the game was over, I didn't really care that the Pred's had lost. We had a good time anyway. After the game, The Girlfriend caved to my request for a trip to a strip club. I had envisioned a night of drinking while being surrounded by half nekkid women vying for my attention. We ended up at "Anthony's Show Club" and let me tell you, Anthony's place sucks! The lights were bright, the women were homely and I never did get a waitress to bring me a drink. We left after about 10 minutes and decided to go back to Broadway. The Girlfriend had done a little research and had found a bar she wanted to check out. We stood in line to get in this bar for about 5 minutes when I realized that most of the people in line were young enough to be my kids (assuming I had any). The final straw was the cat fight between two teeny boppers that were just old enough to get some sailor in trouble. We decided to leave, but not before I was entertained by one Lolita in the fight screaming at the other "Suck my dick, bitch!" That was good for a laugh.

So we walked up to "The Stage" which was the first bar we passed that we could hear music coming out. We started drinking pretty heavy and swaying to the dulcet sounds of "The Devil Went Down To Georgia." Sometimes a good country band with a great fiddle player is just what the soul needs.

We stumbled back to the hotel room and went to bed around three or four. Friday, we drove back to Jackson were I spent the day recuperating and The Girlfriend went to work at seven that night. Around midnight she calls me at home and tells me to go check my mail box. I go to the mailbox and what do I find? Hockey tickets! Fourth row for Saturday, my birthday!

So Saturday, we drive back to Smashville around two in the afternoon. She takes me to Demo's for dinner, which was nice, and then when we were finishing our wine she hands me a card. When I open the card out falls a piece of paper and this piece of paper reads:

"On April 1st, Bat will ride the Zamboni for the pregame ice resurfacing."

SNAP! I had mentioned months ago how cool it would be to ride the Zamboni. The Girlfriend had called the Preds and arranged it! The whole time she was doing this, I thought she had to work on my birthday so we were celebrating on the Thursday before. That's one sneaky girlfriend. So here is what the ice looks like from the Zamboni. And this is what a happy camper looks like riding the Zamboni.

The Preds won a great game with quite a bit of drama and several fights. You could hear the thump of the puck on Vokoun's pads and when the bodies slammed the boards you could feel it in your chair.
I thanked The Girlfriend properly. I was kissing her although it looks like I'm trying to chew her face off. She gave me a few other gifts that night that were just as good or better than a Zamboni ride, but some things are just for me and her. We drove back to Jackson on Sunday and I've spent the better part of the next couple of days trying to recover.

Now I'm faced with trying to match that for The Girlfriend's birthday. I've come up with Amandapalooza!!!, a four day event Thanksgiving weekend. She has no idea what we are going to do for the first couple of days. All she knows is that we are going to Nashville. Saturday night we have tickets to the Pred's first home game against the Red Wings and then Sunday we are going to the Giants/Titans game. The rest is a secret, but I am using it to my advantage. Everytime she gets mad at me or gets pouty, I bring up Amandapalooza!!! I'm milking it for all that it's worth. Anyway, she placed the countdown on her blog and I decided to put it on mine as well.

A Rough Day On Rocky Top

Well, my beloved Vols have let me down again. After a dismal 5 win, 6 loss season a year ago, I was starting to get my hopes up after Tennessee won two games in a row. Then Florida came to town, beating the men from Tennessee, 21-20. Funny, but when I was in school, Tennessee rarely ever played Florida. I think the only time I ever witnessed this match-up was in 1990. I remember being unimpressed. After watching epic battles between Tennessee and Auburn or Alabama, the 45-3 drubbing of the Gators seemed no better than a game between the Vols and Pacific.

1990 was the beginning of the yearly battle between the two games after the restructuring of the SEC. Since then, it has arguably become the most important game on Tennessee's schedule. If you don't beat Florida at the beginning of the season, the rest of the year is spent playing catch up in the SEC. 2006 looks to be no different. I can't wait for hockey season.

Hot Monkey Love

Crazy History

Recently, a co-worker and I were discussing a patient. She was telling me how she admired his courage and the things he had been through. The conversation ended like this:

Co-worker - "Did you know that he was in Pearl Harbor when the Japanese dropped the atomic bomb?"

Bat - "Uhhhh.....the atomic bomb?"

Co-worker - "Yeah, they dropped the atomic bomb on that ship."

Bat - "Well......the Japanese dropped a shit load of bombs on Pearl Harbor, but none of them were nuclear and I assume by 'that ship' you mean the U.S.S. Arizona which sank with most of it's crew on board."

Co-worker - "Whatever, I didn't need a history lesson."

Bat - "I'm thinking that a history lesson is exactly what you needed."

Everyone I Know Is Bat Shit Crazy

I was encouraged by the girlfriend to start posting on my blog, primarily because she thinks I will leave hints about my plans for her birthday. Since I spent the last two hours of work today on Babel Fish translating "Bat Shit Crazy" into different languages, I couldn't use the "I'm too tired" excuse.

Where were we? Oh, yeah. Anyway, here is what is going on with me right now.

The girlfriend and I are planning a move to Nashville. I have no reason to stay in this podunk town and we spend a lot of our leisure time in Nashville going to Titans and Predators games. We bought a fella's season tickets for the Titans and our view for the year looks like this:

We went to our first game yesterday and watched Chad Pennington shred Tennessee's defense. The guy's shoulder has been surgically repaired twice and yet, against our secondary, he looked like a pro-bowler.

So.....I am looking forward to hockey season. We bought a mini-package to the Predators and it includes most of the really good games. It was a flex plan so our seats will vary, but I have always had a fantastic time at the Preds and can't wait for the season to start. In fact, I've gone a little overboard. My new checks look something like this: So here I am, with Titans tickets and Predators checks and yet I live 2 hours away from Nashville. As soon as I sell my house, I am so there.