Way Back Wednesday #7

Not long ago, it was very mild here and I had driven around a good part of the day enjoying the sunshine and warmth while I was taking care of my errands. Later that evening, I notice a sprinkle of rain when I let the dogs out. When the girlfriend and I went out that night, we went to get in my car and BAM, I realized that my sunroof was still open. She just looked at me and said "I would have thought that you had learned your lesson." Thus, I present way back Wednesday #7, originally posted April 11, 2005.



Greetings From The U-boat Commander

Just so everybody will know what kind of intellect they are dealing with here, I'm going to let you know how my day went. I got up late, due mostly to the 50 mg of Benadryl I took before bed last night, but also it is partly the fault of the radio station that wakes me up every morning. Normally they play some Godsmack, or Metallica, or Alice in Chains. Something to shock my brain awake. Well, "The Rocket" let me down this morning, slept right through it. Luckily I have a back up, her name is Daisy and she has an extremely wet tongue.

After my golden retriever gave me my first bath, I hopped into the shower for my second, dried my balls, slammed on some scrubs, swigged some mouthwash and flew out the door, running only about 30 minutes late. It was cloudy this morning in West Tennessee, but the temperature was nice so naturally I opened the sun roof and let the windows down so the breeze would wake me.

A pause to talk about my automobile. I love my car. After my emancipation, I bought myself a very nice ride. I had driven rolling paper weights for years and felt that I deserved it. I tracked down a gem with garnett red paint, powerful engine, leather seats, and all of the bells and whistles. Lest ye think I'm compensating for something, wonder no longer. I have a small penis and my car is the only thing that keeps me from drinking the magic kool-aid because God short changed me. I love my car and I don't mind writing the check every month.

I was 30 minutes late, so the day starts like every day when you are already in the hole. It was very hectic, one case after another, and my co-workers were giving me a Monday morning pain in the ass. Around noon, I noticed that the rain was really coming down. Rain depresses me. I don't need warm temps, but I gotta have the sunshine. I was completely bummed because we just had 3 gorgeous days here and I had been looking forward to going to the links and smacking the rock a little bit.

Mercifully my day ends. I am jubilant! Freedom. Shucks, it's still raining. Biblical raining. Wrath of God stuff. I bolt to my tiny jimmy compensator and as I round the last car before mine......mother fucker!!!!!!!! Should have taken the time to close that sun roof.

So, the rest of my afternoon has been spent with towels, wet vacuum, and a hair dryer. I'm taking a short respite to cry a bit and share my misery. Feel free to call me a dumbass.



Any time somebody comes to visit you in prison, that's good.

-Suge Knight

VEGAS BABY!

If you've come here looking for gossip or some cutesy little anecdote about my family, then go ahead and click on next blog button now. I wanna talk about HOCKEY! The Girlfriend and I went to the game last night and managed to see the Predators handle the Blackhawks 6-3. My favorite player, Marek Zidlicky, got into a scrap with the Hawk's Smolinski in the first 30 seconds of the game. I knew it was gonna be a good one at that point. (FYI: Alexander Radulov is giving Zidlicky a run for his money as my fav player.) Long story short, after trading goals in the first period, the Preds put the Hawk's away in the third to finish the first half of the season with the most points in the NHL. That's right suckers, PREDS NUMBER ONE!!! It would be tough for Nashville to miss the playoffs at this point and if they keep playing they way they have they should get the number one seed. Hopefully this is followed by excellent play in the post season and, dare I say it?, the Stanley Cup!!! Some of you may recall that on my last trip to Vegas, I put $50 down on the Pred's to win the whole damn thing. At 15-1 it will easily pay for another trip to sin city.

A couple of game related notes. David Legwand got a hat trick. Three goals scored in a game. If you have never seen it happen, it's a lot of fun. Everybody throws their hat onto the ice. I mention it mostly because of who scored the trick. Jim Plunkett has officially been passed as the ugliest man to ever play professional sports. When Legwand is on the ice and smiles? You can tell he has no teeth from the other side of the arena. Poor bastard.

Also, The Girlfriend and I decided to go watch the post game interview for a local radio station. We knew that they always did one somewhere in the arena after the game, we always listen to it on the way home. So, after doing some checking around, The Girlfriend finds out that it is being held in the Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Club on the suite level. Now, we had always wanted to check it out, but I was under the misconception that you had to be a full season ticket holder to get inside. The Girlfriend talks to an usher, he asks to see our tickets and says "see that letter code in the upper left hand corner? That means you can get into the club at any time. SAWEET!!! We went into the club, which is quite swanky, with dark wood paneling and nice linen. It just looks like a great place.

So, since The Girlfriend is being such a good sport about going to see the pretax play the Sharks on Valentine's Day, I told her we could get dressed up and go to the club for dinner before the game. I think that made her a little happier about Valentine's spent at the hockey game. At least I hope so.

Secrest out.

You Know You Want To Be Me

Yesterday started out ok. I mean, I woke up so I was alive, right? It all went downhill from there. I had my last day of nursing orientation for my new job and I wasn't looking forward to another hour of boring crap that I pretty much already knew (how to work a bed, how to wash your hands, etc.). The first inkling that I had things were gonna go sour was on my way to work. The overpass that I normally used was suddenly under construction. So.....I was late for class. I made it to the room just as the instructor was closing the door. She announced "Oh! Hey everybody! Bat is here!" Great. FUCK ME! She knows my name. A class of 60 people and she knows my name. Of course, since I was late, the only seats left were on the front row. No nodding off during class today.

The morning coffee was catching up to me. There was a lull in the material and while the instructor was thumbing through her books, people started to get up and stretch and get coffee, etc. I noticed a girl heading toward the door and thought "Bathroom. If she's going, I'm going." So I fell in behind her. She just about made it to the door when Ms. Instructor announced "Ok, everybody turn to page 21 in your test packet." We froze at the door. Ms. Instructor looked at bathroom girl and kinda raised her eyebrows. Bathroom girl said "Do we have time to go to the bathroom?" Ms. Instructor nodded and for some reason, Lord knows why, I blurted out "I'm gonna help her," embarrassing me almost as much as bathroom girl. So we strolled toward the bathrooms, of course the men's is next to the women's, and bathroom girl keeps looking over her shoulder. Finally, I felt the need to tell her "I know you don't need help using the bathroom, but I need to go too." She looked relieved.

After my bathroom shenanigans, I made it without mishap until lunch. I went down to the cafeteria where they were serving something called "taquitos." It was a Mexican thing that consisted of a fried tortilla with some kind of meat inside. Lunch lady loaded me up a to-go box and asked me if I wanted anything on it. I told her "everything" and she began to slather on the salsa, peppers, cheese, onions, taco sauce and a couple of other things that I couldn't identify. Then, holding the box from the side that had the food in it, she reached up to pass it over the glass. Like a moron, I accepted the box holding the empty end. Of course, when she let go, my food went everywhere. All over my scrubs, the $20 I was holding, the glass, the counter top and the floor. Red in the face, I helped her clean her area up as much as possible and cleaned my scrubs off as best as I could. I then grabbed a side salad (gotta have the greens!) and went to pay. When I handed check out woman my $20, she looked at the money, looked at me and then pulled out a napkin and slowly cleaned the salsa off of the bill. *Sigh* So I sat down to eat my meal, alone, 'cause I like to read the paper. I uncover my salad, go to stab a piece of lettuce with my fork and the fork hits the side of the bowl, flipping it over and sending salad across the table onto the floor. *Sigh* The students sitting at the next table snickered the entire time I was cleaning it up. I'm sure the fact that my food box was a wreck with food sticking out all over the place and the sight of me wearing scrubs covered in salsa didn't help.

So, I survived lunch, made it back to the classroom and settled in to what I hoped would be an afternoon without any more incidents. Wrong! As soon as the lecture on infection control started, my nuts started itching something fierce! (irony?) Here I am, on the front row, no hope of a break since we just got back from lunch and it feels like the Keebler Elves are in my pants tugging on all of my short and curlies. I shifted my weight, scooted down in my seat, turned my chair to the side and opened my legs trying to give my tea bag some breathing room. With my happy sack getting some relief (by some I mean it still felt like Rocky Raccoon was doing the Riverdance on my scrote), I managed to make it to the end of class.

So, I drive home (after a good scratch), which takes twice as long as usual because every fire truck and emergency vehicle that Nashville owns is parked downtown for some hullabaloo. I get home, and as I often do, I immediately take my scrubs off.......and notice.......a hole in the crotch big enough to walk through. So, Ms. Instructor's final impression of me? A perpetually late pervert that wears plaid boxers. I have nowhere to go but up at this hospital.

Miscellaneous Rambling

I kinda consider this post house keeping. Just covering a few things that have been going on around here, but no real exciting stories. The problem with living with a fellow blogger (The Girlfriend) is that all of your day to day activities get covered before you get a chance to write. I will give it a shot anyway.

I know this will bore most of you, but I'm in full blown hockey mode. I can't believe I was upset that Paul Kariya was snubbed for the all-star game. The Predators ended up with only ONE all-star even though they possess the third best record in the ENTIRE league. My interest in the games has only increased as the season has progressed for a couple of reasons. This is the nearest I have ever been to a championship caliber team. As a season ticket holder (well, mini-season, we bought 13 games), I get dibs on playoff tickets. The second reason? MONEY! When I took The Girlfriend to Las Vegas for Amandapalooza , I placed a small bet at one of the sports books. $50 at 15-1 for the Predators to win the Stanley Cup . If the Predators go all the way and bring Lord Stanley's cup home? $800 in Bat's pocket. I've already told The Girlfriend that if it happens, we are flying back to Sin City to pick up the winnings, so root for the Nashville Predators!!!!!

As for everything else, I've been trying to stay busy and have actually been pretty successful. I've started the new job and even though I haven't spent very much time in patient care recently, I am excited about learning new skills. I'm one of those people that likes to take on the new. The cath lab is definitely new and I'm really gonna have to brush up on my cardiac anatomy and EKG interpretation.

The Girlfriend and I got memberships to the Y.M.C.A. for the new year. I have been averaging about five trips to the gym every week since then and as a reward, I bought myself an iPod Nano. The Girlfriend raved about hers so much, I decided to take the plunge.

I started ice skating lessons with The Girlfriend yesterday. My interest, of course, is to maybe get good enough to play some scrub hockey. I think I have a long way to go. I kinda talked The Girlfriend into the whole deal, so I was pleasantly surprised to learn that she actually enjoyed it and is looking forward to more lessons. The down side? I think she is going to end up being a better skater. That's a bruise to my fragile male ego. At least she has no interest in playing hockey, so I won't have to compete with her there.

We went to see Alpha Dog last night. The Girlfriend wanted to go because of Justin Timberlake (who knew she was a closet boy band fan?), but I was pleasantly surprised. I kinda like movies based on fact, however loosely. I don't know that I can recommend that you drop the nine bucks to see it at the theater, but definitely catch it on DVD. It's fairly compelling and you find yourself actually worrying about what is to become of young Zack. The movie is based on the story of Jesse James Hollywood , a thug wanna be that managed to become the youngest fugitive to ever make the F.B.I.'s top ten wanted list.

I'm mildly interested in the NFL play offs. The Girlfriend has predicted the Bears and the Colts in the Superbowl with the Bears taking home the Lombardi Trophy. I feel like this might be the Chargers year. I will keep you posted about wagers between The Girlfriend and I.

That's about it, hopefully I will have something more entertaining to write about soon. Remember, "Drive it like you stole it!"

Way Back Wednesday #6

Today, while I was driving home from work, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. It came up that a girl that she works with was from the same little town that my step-dad was from. When she found out my step-dad's surname, King, the girl said she knew some Kings and was my step-dad related to them. I was telling my girlfriend that it was unlikely and the post below explains why.

Originally posted November 20, 2005.



Grampa


As I've mentioned in a previous post, there is some confusion when my parents split up. Depending on who you talk to, it was either shortly before or shortly after I was born. At any rate, my Mom began dating my step-dad while I was still gnawing on her teat. Oddly enough, they knew each other from their childhood. My maternal great- grandfather lived in McNairy County, Tennessee (Home of Buford T. Pusser for those who care) and when my mom would visit, somehow the Taylor skirt tuggers ended up playing with the King rug rats. Eventually, my Mom's brother married my step-dad's sister. Step-dad came to Illinois to visit his sister and ran into my mom, two weeks later, they were married. It lasted over twenty years and I think that is a pretty good run.

I never knew my paternal grandparents. Since my step-dad was raising me, Sam and Flossie King became my de facto grandparents. They were farmers. Sam never wore anything but overalls and only had one tooth (I used to love to watch him eat a hamburger, it was like a hoe tilling a garden) and Flossie made biscuits and chocolate gravy every morning for breakfast. Fun at their house pretty much consisted of sitting on the front porch and pointing at a daisy "hit that one Grandma" and she would bring her fingers to her mouth and spit tobacco juice through them, pelting the poor flower with yummy 'baccy goodness.

Step-pa was one of 13 (that lived) and Sam already had more grandchildren than he could count, but according to mom, as Step-pa bounded up the steps of their tin roofed house with baby me in his arms, Sam immediately reached out for me.

Mom says that shortly after she and Step-Pa were married, they were visiting the Kings one day. She found herself on the porch alone except for the babe in her arms and Sam. There was a lot of rocking, spitting, and saying "yep" when suddenly Sam brought up the fact that he had been married before.

This floored Mom because Step-pa had never mentioned it. (She found out later that it was because he didn't know.) Mom asked what had happened to Sam's first wife. Sam then told her the story of his first marriage.

Sam was a farmer and for a farmer, breakfast is definitely the most important meal of the day. Sam like his eggs and bacon and homemade biscuits, but First Wife hated to cook and refused to rise early with Sam and cook his repast. Sam suffered in silence for a number of years, making do on his own the best he knew how. One morning, First Wife happened to rise at the same hour as Sam and he begged her, "Please fix me some breakfast. If you fix me breakfast this morning, I will never ask you again."

First Wife finally relented and fixed Sam his breakfast and according to the tale, it was "a right fine meal."

Sam ate his breakfast, grabbed his cap and walked out the door. And kept walking. True to his word, he never asked First Wife to make breakfast again.

By all accounts, my mother was flabbergasted. "Sam, what did you do? Did you get a divorce?"

Sam contemplated the question for a moment, placed a fresh pinch of snuff between his cheek and gum and replied "Nope, don't reckon I ever did."

First Day Of Work, Ready To Go Postal

You ever get the feeling that you just can't win? I started my new job today. Orientation really. I got to sit in a room and listen to people drone on about the same polices and procedures that every medical organization has in place. Zero new information. At one point there was a lull in the prepared materials and the moderator asked us to introduce ourselves to our neighbors. Sort of a "get to know your co-workers" kinda thing. I introduced myself to the guy on my right, gave him my name, where I was from and where I was going to work. In return, I got how much money he makes, the fact that he lives in a six bedroom house in another state and the last little nugget, the hospital is paying for his hotel room when he comes to town for work. Well la-dee-frickin'-da! Then the sunnuvabitch proceeds to crunch the damn candy (very loudly) he brought for the rest of the day. Even a couple of "Eat shit and die!" looks from me didn't deter him. It's not like he was distracting me from the monotonous films and power point displays, but it was the most annoying thing I can remember experiencing in a long time. Finally, it comes time to discuss benefits. The recruiter had told me that I would start to get benefits in 60 days. What she didn't say was that those 60 days really meant two full calendar months beginning AFTER the end of the current month. So it's really a whole lot closer to 90 days. Oh, and the pension plan that she crowed about? The hospital begins contributing that after the first year you are there, right? Sure, after the first calendar year that you are an employee on January first and December thirty-first. IT'S JANUARY 8! That means I have to work the rest of this year, 357 days, then all of 2007, then in 2008 they will begin to contribute to my pension. Funny how the recruiter didn't really cover all of that. I know, first day and I'm complaining already, but sometimes it seems that you just can't win for losing. At least tomorrow, I get to go to the unit where I will work instead of sitting in a room watching the Director of Safety demonstrate how to correctly pick up a box and avoid trashing your back. Yay!

Way Back Wednesday #5

I don't have a clue how the conversation started, but somehow the question was posed to me "Have you ever tasted pee?" This story was originally posted on May 3, 2005.

I Fear For My Scalp

Have you ever been truly scared before? The first time I was in fear of what might physically happen to me occurred, oddly enough, in Arkansas.

Seven friends and I decided to go to Little Rock. It was all about the road trip. Rusty was from Little Rock and had created this little fantasy world for us around a place called Burns Park and a rock quarry there that provides a swimming hole for the locals. Keep in mind that Rusty is legally blind, but for some reason we completely bought into his detailed picture of a redneck Disney World complete with girls in bathing suits and free flowing narcotics.

So eight of us loaded into two tiny cars, a Datsun B210 and a Honda Civic. We bought two cases of Boone's Farm, put them on ice, and put the coolers under my control in the Datsun. I know, you are thinking "Boone's Farm? What kind of pussy shit is this???" but keep in mind we were underage and we took what we could get without reservations. We made a pact to not drink any of the booze until we got to the park, mostly out of some misguided sense of responsibility.

Of course the no drinking rule only lasted until we had left the city limits of Memphis. I reached back into the cooler and cracked open a bottle. My crew and I quickly made short work of that bottle and three others and being the light weights that we were, we felt pretty good. Until...... mother nature called. We couldn't pull over, there would be questions from the other car and they would know we had broken the covenant.

Eventually, we had to make a decision. Being the brilliant thinker that I am, I decided that the empty Boone's farm bottles should not go to waste and quickly filled one up. The other fellas followed suit and we were left with four bottles of warm piss that kind of looked like Boone's Farm!

All was well, we had our little buzz, we were on our way to fantasy land, and our buddies in the other car had no inkling of the deception. Suddenly, the steering wheel spun like the girls head in The Exorcist and Art, the driver, was having trouble controlling the car. We managed to pull to the side of the road where we discovered a flat tire. We quickly jumped out and made short work of the change before the others caught a clue that we had been into the goody cooler. However, we all agreed that we should get a new tire since the one that had just been put on was balder than Telly Savalas.

We found a mechanic and while he was working on the tire, Rusty came over and notice the bottles on the floor of the car. I quickly made my apologies, told Rusty that we had only drank two and it was fair that they drink two in the other car. Rusty called Tony over and they agreed that while our transgressions were serious, they were not fatal and just as the mechanic threw the old spare into the trunk, we handed Rusty and Tony a couple of bottles. Everybody piled into their respective vehicles and we returned to the road.

A note about Tony. He is a full blooded Navajo, six feet tall, close to three hundred pounds, and has a very quick temper.

About three or four miles down the road, the other car suddenly zoomed up behind us, horn blaring and lights flashing. Jim asked out loud "wonder what their problem is?" When I informed him that I gave them a couple of bottles of Boone's Farm he looked a little puzzled and leaned back to look in the cooler. "They are all still here," he said.

"Not the ones we emptied and refilled," I replied.

His face blanched as he put two and two together. The other car pulled even with ours and we could see Rusty leaning out one window puking his guts. Tony merely glared at us, then grabbed his hair, pulling it up and drew and index finger across his forehead. The implication was very clear.

Two or three years later, Tony had his revenge. He had been drinking seven and seven from a big gulp all night and a one point asked me if I wanted a drink. I will never forget the taste of warm Navajo piss. At least I still have my hair.

Sports

The Girlfriend has been bugging me to post, but I don't really have anything to write about. She pretty much covered the holidays on her blog, I don't start work until January 8, and all of my sports teams went into the crapper this past weekend. So......I decided to list my top 10 sports movies of all time.
#10 Mystery, Alaska
A feel good hockey movie about a small town in Alaska where the guys play a weekly game against each other. Eventually, they end up playing a real NHL team. I won't ruin the ending for you. Unfortunately, Russell Crowe stars. I think he is a douche, but he did a decent job in this film.











#9 Eight Men Out
The story of the 1918 Black Sox scandal when the Chicago White Sox threw the world series. Doesn't make most of the top ten lists, but it does mine.















#8 The Bad News Bears

C'mon! Walter Matthau as the cranky "Buttermaker" easily makes this movie a classic. How can you not root for the original misfits. Often copied by such movies as "The Little Giants" and "The Mighty Ducks."












#7 Caddyshack
If you haven't seen this movie, you live under a rock. Full of classic moments and an unforgettable performance by Bill Murray resulting in one of the most famous movie quotes of all time.
"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
#6 Major League

I know, completely weak. But it's my list. I can't help but watch this movie when it's on TV.


















#5 North Dallas Forty

Loosely based on a Dallas Cowboys team in the 1970s, this movie gives you a look at the money issues players dealt with as well as the things they put their bodies through to play the game. Besides, it has Mac Davis in it. 'Nuff said.












#4 A League of Their Own
"There's no crying in baseball!" Subtract Madonna and Rosie O'Donnel from this movie and it would have ranked higher. Girls playing baseball? Geena Davis makes it believable.
















#3 The Longest Yard
Not that crappy Adam Sandler version that came out a while ago. You have to see the originally with Burt Reynolds. "I think I broke his fuckin' neck!"
















#2 Hoosiers
Small town basketball team makes it to the state championship in basketball crazy Indiana. You root for Gene Hackman the entire time. Another movie that I can't turn off when it comes on.















#2 b Rudy
I know, this will make my list 11 movies long. Live with it. When that little hobbit runs out on the field to the sound of the crowd chanting "Rudy! Rudy!" I get a lump in my throat everytime.















#1 The Natural
It's too long, the story is convoluted, and Redford is a tad stiff, but when Roy Hobbs cranks that homer into the lights and then runs the bases in a cloud of sparks, I cry. I swear. I man enough to admit it. I cry.


Yeah, I left out the Kevin Costner trilogy of "Bull Durham", "Field of Dreams" and "Tin Cup" but they all have one fatal flaw. Kevin Costner. Also, there is no way I'm adding "The Cutting Edge" to my list. Ewww.