Butterflies
I was having a good day today. I went and put the deposit down on my rental house and got the keys. It's a great house in a decent neighborhood and I'm fairly excited about moving in a couple of weeks.
But it's five o'clock in the afternoon which means the girlfriend (I guess I should call her the ex, but I can't quite bring myself to do that yet. Go figure.) will be home soon. Despite my ranting and raving and bitching and moaning in this forum, we did have a good week last week and even though it was sad at times, at least it didn't feel awkward or hostile. Now she is coming back to the house after spending the weekend with the new person in her life. I suppose that it is vain of me, but I am worried that I was a topic of discussion for her this weekend. If the roles were reversed, and my new girlfriend was still living with her old boyfriend, there would be serious issues. I guess I'm just human.
I fear that I am going to be completely shut out. I fear that I will be a ghost in this house, somebody that passes through while she is on the phone with her new love. I fear that she will decide that once I move out, she can no longer talk to me. Hence the butterflies.
On the bright side, I went over to an old friend's house last night. Even though we both ended up in Nashville, I rarely see him or talk to him. He knew I was in trouble and since I had helped him over a really bad break up in the past, he was determined to do the same for me. He and his wife were very gracious. They made steaks and opened a large bottle of wine and before I knew it, one a.m. had rolled around. I am very grateful for the job they did in distracting me from my problems. In fact all of my old friends have been very supportive despite the fact that over the last four years I have been so wrapped up in the girlfriend, I didn't care if I spoke to them or not.
Hopefully, she will return tonight and we can both act like this isn't happening. Hopefully, my jitters are for naught. We shall see.
*Edit* Turns out, I had the butterflies for a different reason. I was looking forward to seeing her. Even after everything I'm going through, I miss her. She called about seven or so to tell me that her friends flight was canceled and she was coming home to get a change of clothes and then spend the night away again. I was crushed and I don't know why. I guess I was used to being the most important person in her life, now....now I don't know what I am, but I know it isn't important.
But it's five o'clock in the afternoon which means the girlfriend (I guess I should call her the ex, but I can't quite bring myself to do that yet. Go figure.) will be home soon. Despite my ranting and raving and bitching and moaning in this forum, we did have a good week last week and even though it was sad at times, at least it didn't feel awkward or hostile. Now she is coming back to the house after spending the weekend with the new person in her life. I suppose that it is vain of me, but I am worried that I was a topic of discussion for her this weekend. If the roles were reversed, and my new girlfriend was still living with her old boyfriend, there would be serious issues. I guess I'm just human.
I fear that I am going to be completely shut out. I fear that I will be a ghost in this house, somebody that passes through while she is on the phone with her new love. I fear that she will decide that once I move out, she can no longer talk to me. Hence the butterflies.
On the bright side, I went over to an old friend's house last night. Even though we both ended up in Nashville, I rarely see him or talk to him. He knew I was in trouble and since I had helped him over a really bad break up in the past, he was determined to do the same for me. He and his wife were very gracious. They made steaks and opened a large bottle of wine and before I knew it, one a.m. had rolled around. I am very grateful for the job they did in distracting me from my problems. In fact all of my old friends have been very supportive despite the fact that over the last four years I have been so wrapped up in the girlfriend, I didn't care if I spoke to them or not.
Hopefully, she will return tonight and we can both act like this isn't happening. Hopefully, my jitters are for naught. We shall see.
*Edit* Turns out, I had the butterflies for a different reason. I was looking forward to seeing her. Even after everything I'm going through, I miss her. She called about seven or so to tell me that her friends flight was canceled and she was coming home to get a change of clothes and then spend the night away again. I was crushed and I don't know why. I guess I was used to being the most important person in her life, now....now I don't know what I am, but I know it isn't important.
posted by Bat at 6:14 PM
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