WTF?!?!?

R bailed on me last minute for the hockey game (Preds won 4-3, thankyouverymuch). Her excuse? Her turtle died.

WTF? Seriously. Either that's the lamest excuse ever for backing out of a date, or she was so attached to her turtle that she couldn't stand to have human company for the night. For crying out loud. I love my dogs dearly, but if one of them died? I'm not gonna withdraw from a social event. I'm pretty sure that she sent me a message.

Why I Couldn't Sleep Last Night

This is a text that was sent to me last night. It's obviously taken out of context, but it shook me up.

"I love you very much. There is not one moment I have spent with you that I see as anything other than cherished. We are definitely two of a kind and I will never let us drift apart again. Regardless of who each of us may date in he interim until we can be together, I will not let them come between me and you."

Holy cow! I love this girl, always have, but she broke my heart when we were both really young. We are separated by distance and circumstance, but even if she lived next door, I'm not sure how I would deal with this statement. By "until we can be together" she means two or three years down the road. I don't think I can put myself through the pain and anxiety of a long distance relationship for that long, particularly when she makes it clear that there will be others until our time comes.

I know she cares, but I think we are at different points in the spectrum. Should I open my heart up to her? I feel a world of hurt coming down the line. Wonder why I'm having trouble sleeping?

Surprise!

Originally, I had nothing planned for the weekend. I ended up calling my buddy B Saturday morning and we met for lunch and a beer. He asked what I was doing that night because his girlfriend, S, had a friend in town from out of state and they were all going to Sambuca. I told him that I would love to go to Sambuca. The food is good and they have live music every night. Not the loud, conversation killer music, but music you can enjoy while you eat dinner and not yell at each other. I was a tad apprehensive, I didn't want the out of town friend to think this was some kind of "set up" or something. No worries, the friend was not only married, but pregnant! Everybody just relaxed and had good conversation, great food and got to listen to The Diggy Band belt out some excellent tunage (sorry, I was channeling Bill and Ted).

In the meantime, I got an email from R! I had decided that she wasn't interested and wasn't going to bug her, but she wanted to know what I was doing Sunday. We ended up going to the flea market and she showed me around her remodeled house and she took me to lunch. She is starting to grow on me a little and agreed to go the hockey game with me again next weekend (I actually gave her a choice between dinner and hockey and she choose hockey! Saaaweeeet!). She was sending signals I believe. Things like leaning in to talk, touching me to make her point. I wasn't 100% confident though, so when we said goodbye, I chickened out on stealing a kiss, but maybe there will be other opportunities.

In other news, my old friend continues to call and text. It was all very light until we got into a serious conversation yesterday. She apologized for breaking up with me years ago and said it was a decision she always regretted, but she was young and selfish and didn't realize what a mistake it was until she got older. I told her that it was a long time ago and we are completely different people, so she shouldn't feel bad about it. I think we both got some closure and are much closer friends for it.

I finally found a place to stay in NYC. The whole trip is coming up fast and Cindy seems to be getting together quite the crowd. I may be in over my head with this bunch, but I'm going to give it my best effort. I just hope I can keep up.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep so I guess I will write a little bit. Things have been calm. Kris has dialed everything way back. It's a much more comfortable situation. I haven't heard from L since before Christmas, which is fine. R and I have traded a couple of emails, I asked her to go to the park with me and the dogs, but she said she was busy. I got the impression that she isn't very interested. I didn't think there were fireworks or anything when we went out, but I kinda thought she was interested in getting to know me. So that's a little disappointing.

I leave for California in a couple of weeks. I hope Cindy doesn't find it a chore entertaining me for a couple of days. I'm in a quandary about how to pack and what to take. The temps in California are bound to be a lot warmer than they are in New York. I wanted to travel light, but I'm beginning to see that may be impossible. Speaking of New York, I haven't settled on a place to stay. The hostels run about $45 a night, which is dirt cheap, but it's hard to find anybody online with anything super positive to say about them. I'm gonna try and priceline some hotels this weekend. I will have the two hockey games while I'm there and I'm going to try and go to the Statue of Liberty and catch a matinee on Broadway. I also had forgotten that a buddy I used to work with is on travel assignment there, so we are gonna grab a beer.

I've been talking a lot to an old friend. It gives me the warm and fuzzies, but I know that she isn't going to ever be more than a friend. We haven't seen each other in twenty years and are completely different people now. Not to mention the fact that she lives a couple of states away, so even if she wasn't currently in a relationship, it's not like dating is a possibility. I'm not sure why she calls me so much. I don't mind, but I wonder what she is getting out of it.

I feel like I'm drifting a lot of the time with no direction or purpose. Emotionally, I'm not torn up all of the time anymore, but I still miss my old life. Everyday, something reminds me of how much everything has changed for me in the last six months. I'm just sad most of the time.

Love

Somebody that has been very important to me in the past told me "I love you" today. Our time is long gone, we can't go back to our halcyon days, but it still gave me a little thrill and made my day. It's always good to know that there are people out there that do care and care enough to not be afraid to say it.

I have thought about her fondly over the years. There was a period of time when I was never more relaxed and at peace than I was with her. Unfortunately, we lost contact a time or two, our paths diverging to separate goals, but when I talk to her, it's like she has always been there. She is and always will be a special person to me and I'm glad that she loves me.

I Remember

I've been having trouble sleeping again. I can't explain it. My life is fairly drama free. What little drama there is has been easy to eliminate. Since I told her to stop contacting me, I don't have anything constantly reminding me, and yet my thoughts seem to constantly turn to her. It just occurred to me as I'm typing this that the day has turned and it's the tenth of the month. Could that be my problem?

It's so sad. I had another person tell me "Just call her and tell her you want her back." I have to explain that it doesn't matter what I want, only what she wants and she doesn't want me.

I found myself in front of the mirror a couple of days ago, chewing her a new one. Telling her that she is trailer trash, an inconsiderate, flaky, egotistical piece of work that didn't deserve to be happy. I caught myself and thought, "Are you finally cracking up? Your venting your anger at the mirror."

Then the last two days I keep thinking about all that we did and experienced together. The night I showed her Saturn's rings through my telescope. Sharing a cigar on the back deck. Holding her on the aft deck of a cruise ship at night, her hair blowing in my face, the light of the moon eclipsed by the smile she had for me. Her laugh as we watched Flutag on the shore of the river. Her sigh as I played with her hair. The memories hurt much more than they help. I always thought there would be more.

Now I know she is making new memories that don't include me. I know that she is happy and that hurts me to the core. She told me once that she hurt too. Maybe she did, but there is no way she can know how bad I hurt. Tonight, my spirit is crushed.

Sushi Nazi Revisited

I ate at Sam's Sushi Tuesday night. I usually manage to stay on his good side, but on this particular night, I crossed a line. I was stuffing my face and chatting with my date when Sam came from behind the counter, walked to our table, picked up my little container of soy sauce off of the table and put it back on my plate. "That's why I put your sushi on a plate, so you don't make such a mess," he said.

I felt chastised.

Wow!

On a date with R, we were walking toward our destination when her phone rang. She said "I'm sorry." She took her phone out and turned it off, saying "I'll call them back later." and that was the last I saw of her phone. Wow. Major points.

Integrity

I think I'm starting to drink to much! I got hammered New Year's Eve so I spend the next day recovering from that. Saturday, I went to the hockey game. Preds win! Afterwards, I met up with some fellow bloggers that happened to be in town. Result? I got hammered again! So Sunday was spent with a huge head ache and a queasy stomach. Totally worth it. I got to see some really, really nice things and had a chance to talk with some different people.

That night, when I got home (around 2 a.m.), Kris texted me wanting to talk. I was drunk, but she insisted. The long and short is that she has decided we are on the same page again. *sigh* She wants to go right back to where we were, but I have second thoughts. It seems to me that I don't need the drama of constantly wondering when she is gonna freak out again. I dunno.

I had been talking to an old friend and was telling her about my trip in February. She sounded kind of jealous and talked about how much she liked to travel and had never been to New York. Today, it hit me. Ask her to go! It really isn't a big deal. Two friends hanging out, having a good time on a mini vacation. I sent her an email and gave her the details. She wrote me back saying that she would LOVE to go, but her boyfriend wouldn't like it and she was sure if she was in the reverse situation, she probably wouldn't like it either. I was disappointed, but how refreshing! Somebody that respects their relationship enough to put aside something she would love to do because it wouldn't be healthy for her relationship. I'm actually glad she said no. I respect her so much more.

Happy New Year

I keep thinking of the time I drove up to the hospital at midnight because she was working, just to meet her at the back door to give her a New Year's Eve kiss.