Bat's State of Mental Health Address
I don't have any idea why I cracked up last weekend. Maybe it's the fact that I tend to hold everything inside until it just spills over. I realized the next day that last Monday was the 10th and maybe that had something to do with it. It was our "anniversary" in the month sense. On the 10th of every month, we always tried to recognize that the start of our relationship began on the 10th of the month. We didn't always remember, but sometimes it was a race to see who could say it first and maybe, subconsciously, I was struggling with it coming up on the 10th. I don't know.
I mucked things up pretty good early in the week. Even though she told some friends that it was ok that I talked to them, apparently it wasn't ok. She said a lot of hurtful things which made my head spin and my chest hurt again. I deserved some of it, a lot of it, I did not. She then asked me not to talk to her friends to talk to my own friends. So I broke contact with them and I've even avoided posting here, but I don't have anybody that knows both of us that can help me understand how I got to this place. I think I'm going to continue to post here, but I'm trying to lay low, just to keep things calm until I move out next week and she won't have to worry about me anymore.
When we got to a calmer place, I asked if I could make her dinner one night this week. She thought about it for a minute then said "Thursday." I told her that was great and then walked away. When I came back, I got "But don't get too excited, I told Friend X that I might do something with her that night." I tried to explain to her how wrong that was. I don't think she got it. She later told me that Friend X had made other plans and we could have dinner. I told her that I would cook her whatever she wanted and to pick something she might miss. I was trying to make it a good bye for me and to get some closure. She doesn't understand I think. She gives me the impression that we will talk all of the time, but I know when you're in a new relationship, you barely have time for your friends, let alone ex boyfriends.
She had given me a bottle of wine for our first Valentine's Day. It marked the occasion, had the date and our names on it. I wanted to open it, have her drink it with me and celebrate the good times while symbolically officially ending our relationship. She pretty much refused, although she did take a sip. I returned some things to her that were inappropriate for me to keep. I was trying to get closure. She is just tired of talking about it I think because she has moved so far ahead of me that these things just aren't important to her. I struggle to understand.
It's not my place to worry, but she has told me somethings about her new relationship that she would never have tolerated in our relationship. I hope she can get around this, but she wants it so bad, I'm afraid she is glossing over it, I can't really tell her because how objective am I really? Overall, I think she is doing well. She has taken some steps I would have never thought she had the strength to do and if nothing else this will make her a stronger person.
I'm sad most of the time and in denial all of the time. I haven't packed a single box and yet I move next weekend. I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later.
I mucked things up pretty good early in the week. Even though she told some friends that it was ok that I talked to them, apparently it wasn't ok. She said a lot of hurtful things which made my head spin and my chest hurt again. I deserved some of it, a lot of it, I did not. She then asked me not to talk to her friends to talk to my own friends. So I broke contact with them and I've even avoided posting here, but I don't have anybody that knows both of us that can help me understand how I got to this place. I think I'm going to continue to post here, but I'm trying to lay low, just to keep things calm until I move out next week and she won't have to worry about me anymore.
When we got to a calmer place, I asked if I could make her dinner one night this week. She thought about it for a minute then said "Thursday." I told her that was great and then walked away. When I came back, I got "But don't get too excited, I told Friend X that I might do something with her that night." I tried to explain to her how wrong that was. I don't think she got it. She later told me that Friend X had made other plans and we could have dinner. I told her that I would cook her whatever she wanted and to pick something she might miss. I was trying to make it a good bye for me and to get some closure. She doesn't understand I think. She gives me the impression that we will talk all of the time, but I know when you're in a new relationship, you barely have time for your friends, let alone ex boyfriends.
She had given me a bottle of wine for our first Valentine's Day. It marked the occasion, had the date and our names on it. I wanted to open it, have her drink it with me and celebrate the good times while symbolically officially ending our relationship. She pretty much refused, although she did take a sip. I returned some things to her that were inappropriate for me to keep. I was trying to get closure. She is just tired of talking about it I think because she has moved so far ahead of me that these things just aren't important to her. I struggle to understand.
It's not my place to worry, but she has told me somethings about her new relationship that she would never have tolerated in our relationship. I hope she can get around this, but she wants it so bad, I'm afraid she is glossing over it, I can't really tell her because how objective am I really? Overall, I think she is doing well. She has taken some steps I would have never thought she had the strength to do and if nothing else this will make her a stronger person.
I'm sad most of the time and in denial all of the time. I haven't packed a single box and yet I move next weekend. I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later.
posted by Bat at 6:17 AM
1 Comments:
You're hard on yourself. I don't think it's denial. Packing just sucks. =P
And it's hard to be physically productive when you're emotionally drained.
Can you get some buddies to help on some quiet evening/day when you're alone? It'll make the process faster and less isolated-feeling. Then you can go out for beers after.
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