I'm Cracking Up
I'm sitting in a car in a on a boat ramp down by the river. I had intended to come down here and watch the river go by hoping that it would calm me down, but it's raining balls out so I'm just sitting in the car listening to the rain. My life is a complete shithole and I went into full breakdown tonight.
After being crushed yesterday, I was looking forward to seeing the (ex)girlfriend tonight. I thought she would come home for lunch, but no such luck. I then pinned my hopes on this afternoon, but then I saw on her facebook that she was going out for dinner. Disappointed again. I traded texts with her and she tells me that she is still with her new friend, but we could watch Weeds together tonight. She came in at ten, the show had been off for an hour, but I had recorded it. She declined my offer to watch it. I wanted to talk to her and just tell her how much I missed her, but thirty seconds after I opened my mouth, her new friend calls and I am crushed again for the fifth time in twenty-four hours. I tried to go to bed (I have to get up at five a.m.), but I couldn't stop crying. I have to leave the bedroom door open because of the dogs and I can hear her laughing and giggling on the phone with her friend.
I know she broke up with me and I know I have no right to her time, but I just felt humiliated that she just spent four days with somebody and she is so wrapped up in them that I don't rate thirty minutes of her time. After almost four years, in a three week span I have become so unimportant that I can't be spared thirty minutes.
It's not her fault, I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be doing the same thing. I tried to tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, I'm just overwhelmed and I don't have anybody. She was everything to me. I know she reads this which just makes it that much more pathetic. Hopefully, this blog is the worst thing I do. If I keep wigging out on her, she is going to hate me. I just don't know what to do.
After being crushed yesterday, I was looking forward to seeing the (ex)girlfriend tonight. I thought she would come home for lunch, but no such luck. I then pinned my hopes on this afternoon, but then I saw on her facebook that she was going out for dinner. Disappointed again. I traded texts with her and she tells me that she is still with her new friend, but we could watch Weeds together tonight. She came in at ten, the show had been off for an hour, but I had recorded it. She declined my offer to watch it. I wanted to talk to her and just tell her how much I missed her, but thirty seconds after I opened my mouth, her new friend calls and I am crushed again for the fifth time in twenty-four hours. I tried to go to bed (I have to get up at five a.m.), but I couldn't stop crying. I have to leave the bedroom door open because of the dogs and I can hear her laughing and giggling on the phone with her friend.
I know she broke up with me and I know I have no right to her time, but I just felt humiliated that she just spent four days with somebody and she is so wrapped up in them that I don't rate thirty minutes of her time. After almost four years, in a three week span I have become so unimportant that I can't be spared thirty minutes.
It's not her fault, I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be doing the same thing. I tried to tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, I'm just overwhelmed and I don't have anybody. She was everything to me. I know she reads this which just makes it that much more pathetic. Hopefully, this blog is the worst thing I do. If I keep wigging out on her, she is going to hate me. I just don't know what to do.
posted by Bat at 12:30 AM
1 Comments:
*hug*
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