Why Do I Do This To Myself
So here I am. 12:18 in the morning and once again I can't sleep. My mind won't shut down. I've tried reading until I'm sleepy, but the minute the lights go out, I think of all the things I should have done, the things I want to do. I have a fantasy of confronting her, telling her that there is a reason that people in her life pray for bad things to happen to her. When she was with me, she would go through these periods when she would be upset or cry because she thought people were spending time wishing her ill. I think I'm beginning to understand why she struggled with those thoughts. If I had done the things she has done, I would have a guilty conscience too. The lying, the cheating, the hypocrisy. Not just me. It has been a repeating pattern in her life which is quite a paradox. She constantly worries that people don't like her and yet she constantly does things that hurt the people that care about her the most. I'd like to say that she needs serious help, but in her reality, she is the victim. Nothing is her fault.
I had a serious breakdown in will power a couple of days ago. I had gone almost a month without really talking to her. Our interaction was very sparse and consisted of the bare minimum contact needed to tie up some loose ends. I had a moment when I was thinking about her and the emotion was neither the rage nor the sadness that I had been experiencing for the last couple of months. So, like a fool, I texted her and told her. It's my fault, I tried to keep it light and in doing so, I half jokingly invited her over. She responded by telling me that "she was with someone now and I should respect it. How would I have felt if she had been propositioned by exes when she was with me."
I half heartedly pointed out that very thing had occurred on several occasions that I knew about, and probably more that I didn't. What I was thinking was "gee, didn't the person you are with now, proposition you while you were with me and you went away to Vegas with them anyway?" Where was my respect? Didn't she have a "friend" tell her that they wanted to fuck her and she kept being their friend? Where was my respect then? Didn't she have me shake hands with a man at a football game only to have me find out later that she was trading pictures and explicit emails with him? Where was my respect when that was happening?
No where. I never got any respect. She never valued our relationship. I see now that I was a stepping stone. Somebody to play with until something bigger and better in her eyes came along.
At this point, probably what bothers me the most, is this new friend is getting everything that I never got. Respect. Devotion. Trust. I got a facade. A smoke screen. I got accusations and games. While she was snooping through my computer and making up reasons to pick fights and accuse me of cheating, she was being flattered by "friends" wanting to sleep with her and planning trysts with her. I'm willing to bet she sees nothing wrong with this.
I blame myself for this sleepless night. I should have enjoyed my nice thought of her and let it go. I should have let a sleeping dog lie.
*Edit* It's six a.m. and as I tossed and turned last night, getting zero sleep, I tried to figure out why everything bothers me so much. I have to face an ugly truth. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I have to face the fact that if she asked me today, I'd take her back.
I had a serious breakdown in will power a couple of days ago. I had gone almost a month without really talking to her. Our interaction was very sparse and consisted of the bare minimum contact needed to tie up some loose ends. I had a moment when I was thinking about her and the emotion was neither the rage nor the sadness that I had been experiencing for the last couple of months. So, like a fool, I texted her and told her. It's my fault, I tried to keep it light and in doing so, I half jokingly invited her over. She responded by telling me that "she was with someone now and I should respect it. How would I have felt if she had been propositioned by exes when she was with me."
I half heartedly pointed out that very thing had occurred on several occasions that I knew about, and probably more that I didn't. What I was thinking was "gee, didn't the person you are with now, proposition you while you were with me and you went away to Vegas with them anyway?" Where was my respect? Didn't she have a "friend" tell her that they wanted to fuck her and she kept being their friend? Where was my respect then? Didn't she have me shake hands with a man at a football game only to have me find out later that she was trading pictures and explicit emails with him? Where was my respect when that was happening?
No where. I never got any respect. She never valued our relationship. I see now that I was a stepping stone. Somebody to play with until something bigger and better in her eyes came along.
At this point, probably what bothers me the most, is this new friend is getting everything that I never got. Respect. Devotion. Trust. I got a facade. A smoke screen. I got accusations and games. While she was snooping through my computer and making up reasons to pick fights and accuse me of cheating, she was being flattered by "friends" wanting to sleep with her and planning trysts with her. I'm willing to bet she sees nothing wrong with this.
I blame myself for this sleepless night. I should have enjoyed my nice thought of her and let it go. I should have let a sleeping dog lie.
*Edit* It's six a.m. and as I tossed and turned last night, getting zero sleep, I tried to figure out why everything bothers me so much. I have to face an ugly truth. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I have to face the fact that if she asked me today, I'd take her back.
posted by Bat at 1:17 AM
3 Comments:
I will venture a guess that she will treat this current love of her life the way she treated you and the way she treated her ex-husband by cheating on him also.
I can live with Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. I can accept that the Buffalo Bills suck big time this year. I have resigned myself to the fact that there isn't a Santa Claus. I will have a hard time understanding if you go back to her.
You need to get laid Bat!!!
I think this is an addiction that you need to kick. Just like the drug user that craves the sweet feeling of that needle and the longing to have the rush again, there is always payment sue in the end. Relapses are going to occur at least you are aware that it was a slip. It is OK to want her, it is ok to feel like you need her, It is even ok to break down and talk to her, maybe next time you can go two months, and then three and then four..... Don't be hard on yourself she was alot to lose even with all the faults.
Ok Michael. That made me laugh.
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