Your Mom Is Funny When She Is Stoned

Ok, basically I have a new roommate. I took Mom to the Dr. on Monday. He checked her out very quickly, said the same thing that I've been saying for two weeks and immediately got her an appointment for an MRI. Unfortunately, her pain meds had worn off and she was unable to lie still on the table. So we are back to square one. She needs the MRI before the doc can decide on a course of treatment. The soonest they can get her back in is Thursday, then she has to see the doc again and then they have to decide her treatment. IF she has to have surgery, I guess she is gonna be staying with me for a month or so. We shall see.

The bright side? I have her stoned out of her gourd on demerol. Sunday night, I cooked dinner for her and LMRP. Then they MADE me watch "Dancing With The Stars." (I swear I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a spork.) The were showing one couple dancing to the song "Save A Horse" by Big & Rich. They get to the chorus and Mom flops her head over the side of the couch and says ....."What are they singing?"

"What's that Mom?"

"I can't understand what they are singing."

"They are saying 'Save a horse, ride a cowboy' Mom." She had my attention at this point.

"Oh." Then there was a five minute pause before she said, "I thought they were singing 'Save a WHORE, ride a cowboy'" LMRP starts to giggle. Mom pauses for another couple of minutes......"Is that song from that Brokeback Mountain movie?"

I promptly gave her another 100mg of Demerol as a reward.

Tough Weekend

My weekend was a little rough. Not so much for me, but for my Mom. About two weeks ago, she began to complain of sciatic pain. Generally, this is pain that starts in your lower back or hip and shoots down your ass and into your leg. It's a pretty classic sign that you have bulging disc or some other spine alignment problem.

She went to see one of the quacks where she lives. The promptly gave her a colonoscopy (or as Mom puts it, "they shoved a light bulb in my ass") and did a cat scan of her abdomen and pelvis. Diagnosis? Cellulitis. Basically they looked at the areas where they had given her shots in the ass and decided she had inflammation there. The morons correlated this with her back pain.

Friday night she said she couldn't take the pain anymore. They had given her some demerol to take, but it wasn't helping at all. My cousin brought her to my town the next morning and she went to the emergency room at the hospital where I work. They gave her some steroids and a prescription for more demerol. Most of Saturday morning she sat on the couch and rocked and whimpered because she was in so much pain. I finally took it upon myself to count the amount of demerol she had left and after determining that she had enough to make it until she saw an orthopedist today, I convinced her to double her dosage. She was comfortable most of Sunday and I'm gonna take her to her appointment today. I hope they can come up with a better plan of care than "sticking a light bulb in her ass."

The Chunkster's Schedule

This is my life in summary for the next few months. It's kinda pathetic really, my entire social calendar reduced to a handful of paper. I didn't really plan it this way, but apparently I have one thing planned each month from now until July.

March 30, Nashville Predators host the Detroit Redwings. Big game! It will be very close to the playoffs and since it is a couple of days before my birthday, I sprung for Party Zone seats. Tickets include all you can eat AND all the booze you can drink! LMRP got me a hotel room since I will be in no condition to drive after this. Bar opens one hour before face off.

April 23, Chicago Cubs at the St. Louis Cardinals. My first time in the brand new stadium! I'm sooooo juiced about this game. It will be the beginning of the season, the weather should be nice and the beer very cold. In addition, it's a big rivalry. Should be an excellent game with a big crowd. I can't wait.

May 10, Cirque Du Soleil in Nashville. I saw the show in Las Vegas years ago. If you ever get a chance to see this human circus, take it!

June 18, Rockies at Cardinals. I could take or leave this game normally, but it was part of the package I bought and I will enjoy watching Todd Helton play. He played quarter back at UT for a couple of games until he got hurt and then went on to a great career in Major League Baseball. One of the most under rated players in the game.

July 16, Dodgers at Cardinals. It's the Dodgers! I mean, how old school is that?

So that's my plan for the next five months. I can't decide if I'm a huge nerd or not. Any opinions?

Another HNT

I really don't have anything new for HNT so I'm posting a picture that's been around for awhile. I've gotten to the point where I don't really remember what I've put on my blog. My memory is horrible and I'm too lazy to go back and check. See if you can figure out which one is me and bonus points to anybody that can figure out where this picture was taken. For more exciting pictures, click the Half-Nekkid Thursday icon on the right side of my page.

Zidlicky Rocks!

Of course I'm rooting for Team USA, but since they are in Group B, I have no problem rooting for my favorite Predators on the Czech team in Group A.

Team USA has struggled a bit, but will probably make the next round. They only need to tie or win one of the next two games against Sweden and Russia. Tough, but within reach.

The Czechs, on the other hand, have had a much rougher time. They are 1-2 and I think in the tougher group. They are gonna have to start winning if they wanna advance. Bright side for the Czechs? Zidlicky has three goals! Down side? Jagr was checked hard into the boards the other night and went down bleeding. He is probable for their game against Italy. Oh, by the way, I vote that the Czechs have the coolest uniforms in the Olympic games!

Edit: I forgot to mention, LMRP has gone UBER COOL. She is completely into the hockey thing and in fact sent me the picture I just posted. Saweet!

A Weekend In summary

Well, I've been back from my mini vacation for a few days and now that I've had time to sort my thoughts, I can try to form some coherent telling of the events.

LMRP got off of work at 7 a.m. last Saturday. She tried to get a little sleep before I picked her up at 11 or so. I had given her tickets to the Kentucky/Vanderbilt game in Nashville, so that was our first stop. She seemed in good spirits considering she had slept only three or four hours.

As you can tell, she was rooting for Kentucky. It was a pretty good game, but UK lost by three. I think she enjoyed herself.

We then caught a plane to Florida. Once we got there, we grabbed some seafood at Crabby Bill's and then were off to find the hotel. We stayed at the Biltmore-Belleview which was built in the 1890s. The place was easy on the eyes, but was obviously not in it's prime. Not really a problem since we didn't plan on spending much time there anyway. The plan was to get up the next morning and go fishing. It was a chilly 60 degrees or so that night, but I didn't give it much thought. Until......I get a phone call from the charter company. "Uhhh, it's gonna be a little chilly and probably pretty windy tomorrow. We aren't gonna be going out. Wanna try for Monday?"

Not really a problem. We were planning on going to Busch Gardens on Monday, so we just decided to push that up a day.

We get going pretty early on Sunday, excited about the prospect of riding coasters all day in the warm Florida sun. Unfortunately, mother nature had other ideas. The temperature never made it above fifty degrees that day. It made for some ass freezing roller coasters. The highlight of Bush Gardens? The Rascal scooter convoy. Maybe it's just me being insensitive, but if you aren't mobile enough to walk, what the hell are you doing at an amusement park? That night we ordered room service, grabbed some margaritas and hung out in the spa for a few hours. I eventually got another phone call from the charter service that night. "Uhhh.....you know there is a freeze warning tonight and the wind should be about 20 mph tomorrow? I don't think you will be fishing this trip."

So the next day, we took a walk on the empty beach. This was quite depressing for me. A beautiful beach, a beautiful girl and weather colder than a bucket of penguin shit. I kinda have a Robert Deniro sneer going in this picture. Couldn't repeat it if I tried. So we walked the beach for a while. I was amazed that the life guards were on duty. Who the hell would get in that water? Eventually we found our way to Cooters and ate lunch and drank a bit. After a nap we went to see "The Matador." A good movie, catch it if you can. Ate dinner at a place called Beachcomber's. Excellent escargot.

Now we are up to Valentine's Day. It's still pretty chilly, but the temp has climbed to 55 degrees. A veritable heat wave. We wandered down to the pier before we had to leave and that's when I took my favorite picture. LMRP preferred this one. We flew back to Nashville later that afternoon. There was almost no change in temperature! LMRP took me to dinner at Ruth's Chris
and gave me this: One of the sweetest gifts I've ever gotten. It obviously took a lot of thought and I appreciate it to no end.

I then dropped her off at the Bon Jovi concert (I was invited, but declined) and came back home. To sum up my Valentine's Day weekend, a little drink, good food, fantastic company, Florida hates me.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

I know you can't really see it, but I have this rash on both of my legs from the ankles to the knees. I ignored it for a couple of weeks, but then yesterday I noticed it on my arms. I made the mistake of showing it to a couple of nurses and we diagnosed it as secondary syphilis! I'm going to see a dermatologist today before it gets to my package.

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*****Edit: The doctor says I have "Schamberg's disease." Sounds impressive doesn't it? At least nothing is gonna fall off. Oh, and if you slept with me in the last 5 years or so.......well.......seems you are off the hook. Both of you.

Semi-Annual Trip To Florida (or how bad things happen to good people)

Well, it's that time I again. I leave today for a mini vacation. For Christmas, I gave Little Miss Red Pants tickets to the Kentucky/Vanderbilt basketball game in Nashville today (I swear it's what SHE wanted). Since she is supposed to go to the Bon Jovi concert (gag) in Smashville on the fourteenth, I figured I'd just take her to Florida for a little fun and fishing in between events. I always fly out of Nashville, so logistically it makes sense. In reality, it's a dumb idea.

I've been going to Tampa a couple of times a year for the last couple of years. I'm beginning to wonder why.

The first time I went by myself. I had fun, but it was a tad boring. I was there to fish and the hotel I stayed at turned out to be party central. I was getting up at 5 a.m. to drive to the docks, but the party at the hotel would just be dying down by then. The result was no sleep for the chunkster. I was Mr. Crankypants by the time I got back.

The second time I went, my buddy, The Hammster went with me. I won't cover the gory details. I will just say that we ended up running from a hurricane and became the guinea pigs for a new chemical sniffing device being trialed by homeland security.

The third time I went, T.B. , was my travel partner. We had a fantastic time. Fished, ate, stayed at a great hotel, ran the rental car into a support column in the garage. Got back home and about a month later, she couldn't really talk to me anymore.


The fourth time, Sugah went with me. Again, I had a wonderful time. We fished, ate, had a great hotel room, filled the room with Mr. Bubble and she was mistaken for my daughter. About a month later, she broke up with me. It wasn't really a surprise, but it still sucked.

So now I'm gonna try it again with LMRP. I've been pretty excited about a few days in the sun. Has anybody else seen the weather forecast for the Tampa area? 71 today, then it drops to 55 for two days! The day we come back, it's supposed to get back to 70. I hope this isn't some kind of omen.

Wish me luck.

The Ears Have It

Fairly lame HNT. I was trying to show my birth defect. My right ear is odd. Normally the edge of an ear curls over. Mine is flat. My pediatrician was concerned that it was a sign of kidney disease although I have never read anything about that in the literature.

Now move along.

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Happy HNT.

My Metrosexual Moment

Sunday. A day of peace and tranquility. Of sleeping in late, morning coffee and the funnies in the paper.

Not today.

My doorbell rings at 7:30 this morning! After my first thought, which happened to be "I'm gonna make the fucker eat that doorbell", I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and away from my sweet slumber. Halfway to the door I realized how abnormal this was and began to worry. I looked out the garage window expecting to see a state trooper car or at least something that said "Prize Patrol" on it. There was only a dark green Dodge Neon on the curb with the driver's side door open.

Great. Some yahoo that's lost and wants to know why I live on a dead end street.

I open the door, holding back the dogs that are always excited for company, and there is this seventeen year old blonde kid standing there in his "I'm too cool for cold weather" shorts and Abercrombie and Fitch polo.

I just looked at him.

Then, polite as always, I said "What?"

"Are you Chunk?"

"Uh huh."

"I have a package for you, sign here."

What the fuck? "You guys work on Sunday?"

"Yep, sign here."

"Is it from Australia?"

"Yep, sign here."

"Great! My tarantulas are here!" That got a reaction from him. This time he said "Uhhhh, sign here please."

I signed, brought my package in and the dogs helped me open it. My Blundstones!! I swear I like girls.

No. 3

I finally got my plaque and puck holder for my Zidlicky puck. I bought the rookie card from some guy in Canada. Zidlicky's number is three. Hence the three fingers. That's as good as HNT gets tonight. Carry on.

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