Day 18 of Bat's Saga
I'm in a decent mood today and I hope it lasts. I tire easily of drama but when you are stuck in the middle it often seems like no matter what you do, it stirs the drama pot!
The ex wasn't here when I got home last night, she was spending time with her new friend's family. (When she dives in to the water, it is without reservation. I've always known this.) I was ok. I mean I missed her, I always do, but maybe I'm starting to get a handle on things. It's still tough when we are together in a lot of ways. I want to be around her, but knowing that I'm not the most important thing in her life makes it a little rough emotionally. The conversation always seems to turn back to the current situation and she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I have my denial, she has hers.
I'm supposed to get a haircut, buy a couch and pack today. I can't get motivated for any of it. I don't want to leave, but I don't know if it's because that's the final connection to her, or if I just don't want to deal with the hassle of moving. She said she would help me, but as it turns out, she is going to be unavailable when I really need her.
Moving out is the best thing for both of us. It should have happened sooner. I am a thorn in her side and if I had stayed much longer I would have had to face things that are no big deal to her, but slay me emotionally. She asked me today how I would feel about a friend of hers coming over to watch the football game. I never trusted this friend and feel she had an instrumental part in our breakup. How could I deal with being in the same house? But it's the ex's house and eventually she would have stopped asking me and I would have had to either suffer humiliation or leave until they finished whatever they were doing. The fact that she asked tells me she doesn't really understand.
I talked to a friend of mine last night. I completely interrupted an anniversary celebration with his wife. I tried to get off the phone, but he kept me on for forty-five minutes. It was one of the nicer things somebody has done for me in the last few weeks. I guess he knew I needed it.
If you were getting here from a link on the ex's blog, or going to her blog from here, that connection has been severed. She went private. She tells me that she isn't going to blog on there anymore anyway. I'm sure she has things she wants to talk about that would be hurtful to me, so this is actually a good thing I think, but emotionally it feels like another piece of her being torn away from me. Soon, there won't be anything left.
The ex wasn't here when I got home last night, she was spending time with her new friend's family. (When she dives in to the water, it is without reservation. I've always known this.) I was ok. I mean I missed her, I always do, but maybe I'm starting to get a handle on things. It's still tough when we are together in a lot of ways. I want to be around her, but knowing that I'm not the most important thing in her life makes it a little rough emotionally. The conversation always seems to turn back to the current situation and she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I have my denial, she has hers.
I'm supposed to get a haircut, buy a couch and pack today. I can't get motivated for any of it. I don't want to leave, but I don't know if it's because that's the final connection to her, or if I just don't want to deal with the hassle of moving. She said she would help me, but as it turns out, she is going to be unavailable when I really need her.
Moving out is the best thing for both of us. It should have happened sooner. I am a thorn in her side and if I had stayed much longer I would have had to face things that are no big deal to her, but slay me emotionally. She asked me today how I would feel about a friend of hers coming over to watch the football game. I never trusted this friend and feel she had an instrumental part in our breakup. How could I deal with being in the same house? But it's the ex's house and eventually she would have stopped asking me and I would have had to either suffer humiliation or leave until they finished whatever they were doing. The fact that she asked tells me she doesn't really understand.
I talked to a friend of mine last night. I completely interrupted an anniversary celebration with his wife. I tried to get off the phone, but he kept me on for forty-five minutes. It was one of the nicer things somebody has done for me in the last few weeks. I guess he knew I needed it.
If you were getting here from a link on the ex's blog, or going to her blog from here, that connection has been severed. She went private. She tells me that she isn't going to blog on there anymore anyway. I'm sure she has things she wants to talk about that would be hurtful to me, so this is actually a good thing I think, but emotionally it feels like another piece of her being torn away from me. Soon, there won't be anything left.
posted by Bat at 8:50 AM
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