Saturday, December 31, 2005

Uncle Raymond (Who's Yer Daddy?)

I've covered this ground before. My Mom and biological father split when I was too young to remember, she married my Dad shortly after and they were married for twenty or so years. Completing this saga would be the telling of the story of Uncle Raymond, my third dad.

I was a senior in college, living in the squalor of the fraternity house, trying hard to get my grades back on track and hoping my money would hold out long enough for me to graduate. Mom and Dad had divorced, it was ugly, but could have been worse. Dad went through a mid-life crisis, buying a sports car and moving into an apartment complex that was populated, according to him, with nothing but buxom young women that walked around in bikinis all day.

Mom had her own unique mid-life crisis. She moved with my brother and sister into a zero lot line house (most would call it a duplex) and began to hang out with her friends, Bessie and Rose. The girls spent their weekends at a little bar in Mississippi called Hernando's Hideaway. Hernando's was quasi famous for appearing on the back of a ZZ Top album. Needless to say, this place was not the Roxbury.

Turns out that friend Bessie had an Uncle named Raymond that was at Hernando's on a regular basis. Mom had mentioned him a time or two, but Mom mentions a lot of things and I don't pay attention to ninety percent of them.

It's a Thursday night and one of the brothers at the house yells up the stairwell, "Chunk!! Phone!!"

{editor's note: Yes, in college, I was known as Chunk. Primarily due to my skill at vomiting.}

I pick up the phone and it's Mom. She gives me the obligatory "how are you" and "how are your grades" and then she tells me that she has a surprise. My mom always has a surprise, but usually it's something like "Nixon resigned!" or "Germany has surrendered, the war is over!" In other words, her surprises are anything but.

"What is it mom?" My fingers are crossed for winning the lottery.

"I got married!" Which means somebody hit the jackpot.

"Umm, Mom? To who? I didn't even know you were dating anybody."

"UNCLE RAYMOND! Here, talk to him," and she hands him the phone. The conversation went something like this.

ME: "Uh, hello?"

UNCLE RAYMOND: "Hello."

ME: "Uh, congratulations?"

UNCLE RAYMOND: "congratulations on yer schoolin'." (WTF!?!?!)

ME: "Uh, can I talk to my Mom?"

UNCLE RAYMOND: "M'k, bye son." (Double WTF!?!?!?!)

"Mom, who is this guy?"

"I told you, he is Bessie's uncle, I met him at Hernando's."

I was feeling a little ill at this point so I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I'm sure it made a lot of sense. A few weeks later, I actually met the man. I had come home for the weekend for something or other and in walks the door a wrinkled up, bald, fat, drunk. Turns out that they haven't bothered to move in together. He still lives across town in the house he owns with the previous wife. Mom introduces us. I'm polite but immediately mumble something about going to meet my friends. He steps in front of me, exhales his whiskey breath on me and says "You need any sparkin' money?" (Whatever that means.) I just kinda look at him. He pulls out his wallet and stuffs a sweaty ten dollar bill in my hand.

I'm not sure, but I may have said "thanks Dad" and bolted out the door. That was the only time I ever met Uncle Raymond. One month after that, Mom called me to tell me she got the marriage annulled. (But why Mom? Wasn't it love?) A month after that, she called to tell me that he died in some kind of alcoholic/diabetic induced coma. She has never mentioned his name again.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

My Favorite HNT

My very first HNT. I like it mostly because nobody could figure out what it was. Any guesses this time?

For an explanation, click on the Half-Nekkid Thursday link on the right.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

We Want The Funk


Just a note to say that the funk is starting to fade. Well, not THE funk. Crap, now the George Clinton song is going through my head. "We want the funk, give up the funk, we need the funk, we gotta have that funk!" I think it's George Clinton. Christmas is done! YEAH! I survived. Everybody liked my gifts (I think that is the source of my stress really). Chunk done good. On a different note, I dreamed about two girls kissing last night. Does that make me a lesbian?

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Funk Continues

Well it's been ten years and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet
While I'm singing to myself
There's got to be another way
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away,
Never to return again
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away,
Never to return again
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain

Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room
I spent all my money
Been drinking since half past noon
I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail
Times are getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away,
Never to return again
Take away, take away,
Take away this ball and chain


Don'tcha hate it when you get a song stuck in your head?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Best/Worst Day Of The Year

I alternately love and loathe December 21, winter solstice. I have trouble with lack of sunlight which is odd, since I could easily be described as a night owl. When the days are short and the skies are gloomy, I tend to go in a funk. The fact that it's also the holiday season doesn't help. Frankly, the whole mad scramble of shopping, buying, and fighting traffic pisses me off. I would just as soon go to sleep sometime before Thanksgiving and wake up in the new year. Bah humbug.

At any rate, today is the shortest day of the year. It was dark when I woke up this morning and it began to get dark again around five. Totally unacceptable. I hate this day.

On the other hand, I'm at my best when things are rock bottom. If I know that this is as bad as it gets, I can deal with it. So I love this day. Tomorrow there will be a little more sunlight to enjoy. And even more the day after that. Soon, I will be sitting on my back patio, eating dinner and reading a favorite book in the light provided by the evening sun. I will remark on how I love the fact that at eight p.m. the sun is beginning to sink and I will spring out of the bed at six a.m., thrilled that Sol has risen before me.

I'm not really a glass half empty or half full person. I really think it's both.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Tootoo Is Back!

What a great weekend!! The Preds put the smack down on Columbus 7-3 and once again yours truly was in the stands raising hell!! It's the first time this year I got to see Jordin Tootoo play since he was called up from the Milwaukee Admirals. Tootoo led the Preds in penalty minutes before the strike, so you have to be prepared for anything when he hits the ice. My very first Predator's game ever, he got in a fight and I've been a fan ever since. Unfortunately this picture isn't him. He is number 14 and I couldn't track down a photo of him in action.

After the game, I went across the street to meet up with the HNT convention. They had commandeered a corner of the Hilton lobby and things were in full swing when I got there. If you have read the other pertinent blogs, you know who was in attendance so I will just post a couple of my favorite pictures and leave you to be entertained. Sorry Samantha, you gotta duck down a bit for us midgets to take your picture. Os doesn't look very happy, does he?RayRay got him some sweet lovin' from the smoky eyed Sweet T. I'm not even gonna try to explain this one. Ya gotta love this picture, Os called it artsy fartsy. I think any picture with two images of Tish in it has got to be a winner.

Unfortunately, I had to leave before the real fun began. I am eagerly awaiting the photographic evidence of the debauchery. The Hilton will forever be known as a den of perversion.

Sunday, I went to the Titans/Seahawks game. To my surprise, Tennessee played a decent game and had a chance to win it at the end. Sadly, it was not to be and I think most Titans fans are already looking beyond the last few games to next year. I had the best seats ever and would gladly pay to sit there again. That's right, 50 yard line! Don't hate me.

That about sums up my weekend. Now I don't have a damn thing to do until next year.


*Edit: I almost forgot! Today I received a present from the lurvely Rachel. I'm trying to figure out how to work it into this weeks HNT. Any suggestions Miss Rachel?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Check Out My New Bling!

Craptastic. I was chewing a piece of candy today when I found what I thought was a very hard hunk of nut (hehe, I said nut). I swept it out of my mouth (disgusting) and switched to an apple. I couldn't get a hunk of that damn apple from in between my molars. It was really starting to piss me off. Finally, I go to the bathroom mirror at work and fuckin' A! My tooth had split in half, right down the middle. Off to the dentist. He fixed me up with a temporary crown. I think it makes me look gangsta, but what would I know. Then he proceeds to tell me no chewing on that side, no booze, stay out of the cold and wind and no sex. I quickly commanded him to do something anatomically impossible and said "Os is coming to town! I'm gonna chew peyote, slam back brewskis and if he passes out first, he is gonna wake up with a sore ass!" He replied "well, at least stay out of the cold and wind." I told him I could handle that since my Titans tickets are 50 yard line on the club level. Stay down biatch! Anyway, sympathy cards may be sent in c/o the Chunks Of Grey Matter Fan Club. Hasta manana, homeys.


*edit* I forgot to mention, I have two extra club level tickets, not 50 yard line, but they are frickin' club level! Who want's 'em?

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

A molar in my right lower jaw crumbled today! Right before Os Fest! Crap. More later.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fuzzy HNT


Every once in a while I get it in my head that I can grow facial hair. This is a perfect example of why some people think I am delusional.

Click the link on my sidebar for more HNT info.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

You Can Keep Christmas, But I Will Take The Music

Billy Squier - "Christmas Is The Time To Say I Love You"

Chuck Berry - "Run, Run Rudolph"

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band - "Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town"

Bryan Adams - "Raggae Christmas"

Dean Martin - "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Merle Haggard - "If We Make It Through December"

Harry Connick Jr. - "Let It Snow"

The Eagles - "Please Come Home For Christmas"

Everclear - "Santa Baby"

Hall and Oates - "Jingle Bell Rock"

Brian Setzer - "Jingle Bells"

Tom Petty - "Christmas All Over Again"

Elvis Presley - "Santa Claus Is Back In Town"

Aaron Neville - "Louisiana Christmas Day"

Blink 182 - "I Won't Be Home For Christmas"

The Ramones - "Merry Christmas"

John Mellencamp - "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

El Vez - "Feliz Navidad"

U2 - "Baby Please Come Home"

John Lennon - "So This Is Christmas"

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Just A Thing Or Two

First off, I have received ten home addresses, so the last of the Chunks Of Grey Matter Fan Club gifts go out Monday morning. For those of you that didn't want to send me a postal address, I completely understand. People that know me in RL aren't comfortable with giving me their address. You ten (and you know who you are) are brave souls indeed.

I decided to buy the Cardinals tickets! I have two seats in Sec 170 of the new Busch stadium for games against the Cubs, Rockies, Nationals, and Dodgers. Here is where I'm sitting all of you haters

Next weekend is gonna turn out to be a busy one! I have a Preds game on Saturday. I hope to meet up with Os Fest Saturday night and then, since I don't see the point in trying to drive home that night, I'm going to spend the night in Nashville. Since I'm gonna be in Nashville on Sunday.................I might as well go to the Titan's game, right?!?! Mom is gonna baby sit the kids, I have somebody to cover my call, so now I just gotta find a place to stay. It never rains but it pours. I either have NOTHING to do on the weekend or.....I'm busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Secrest Out.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Chunks Of Grey Matter Fan Club

Ok, I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It seems I have at least ten readers which completely satisfies my sense of "does anybody read this crap." So, I present the charter members of the Chunks Of Grey Matter Fan Club.

Rachel - apparently my number one fan.

Jodi- A lurker who comments every once in a while, but she IMs me about some of the stuff I write, so I knew she reads my blog.

Darkneuro - Send me your postal address!!!

Mamakbear - I have never seen a person so excited to receive something in the mail.

Tish - I love her name and she holds a special place in the fan club 'cause she lives in Knoxvegas.

Danjeruskurves - The worst (or best) flirt ever.

Sandy - I don't know a thing about you, ya damn lurker. Send me your postal address.

Osbasso - At least I know he wasn't just looking at my ass.

Chrissie - I miss your blog!

Velma - Bless your heart, you didn't count correctly, you aren't number 13, you are number 10! Send me your address.

So far, I've only received 5 postal addresses. I understand that some people might not want to give a stranger their home address. That's cool. Meanwhile, I still have five gifts sitting here waiting to be mailed. Any takers? Just send me your address.


*By the way Chrissie, I haven't heard from my baby's mama and I haven't called her. Maybe if I ignore it, that whole sordid saga will just go away!.*

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Nothing Here To See, Now Move Along

If you are here for HNT, it's one post down. Personally, I wouldn't look. Don't say you weren't warned.

A couple of small things to get off of my chest. I had the strangest conversation with my ex-wife the night before last. She is in a semi-relationship with a guy that she met on the internet. He lives about three hours away and even though they have only been able to see each other a time or two, they talk every day and she thinks the fella cares for her. She goes on to tell me that she has started breaking dates and turning down offers because it would make her feel bad if he were going out and besides, she is pretty sure that he isn't. I asked her if she had talked to her long distance man about this and she said "No, I just assume that he isn't dating anybody either." Now correct me if I'm wrong folks, but I told her that she had better not assume anything. I was worried about her. Then she goes on to tell me, "well, I still go out, but I pay my own way so it really isn't considered a date." Now maybe it's just the stalker in me, but if a girl agrees to go out with me, I don't care if it's dutch, I pay, or she pays. By my definition, that's a date. So I tell her, "damn, I was worried about you, but now I'm worried about him. You had better clue him in before he finds out on his own and then you have fucked up what might have been a good thing!" Then we both started laughing our asses off because we realized how screwed up it is for an ex-spouse to be giving love life advice to his former wife. It was good for a chuckle.

The second thing. Saturday, four game packages go on sale for the Cardinals at the new Busch stadium. My first thought was to buy a pair of tickets. They have a package that is four weekend games against the Cubs, Nationals, Rockies, and Dodgers.

The new stadium is gonna be great and I'm definitely going to go to at least one game. I've been stuck with tickets a few times recently, so I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Opinions?

Now, for the real reason for this post. I intend to conduct an experiment. Basically, I want to know who really READS the crap I write. So, the first ten people to comment and then email me their address win a small prize. It isn't much, but hey, if you read this far, for a little more effort, you can get something for free. I will put it in the mail the next day. This should be interesting.

I've Lost My Damn Mind HNT

I'm pretty sure that nobody wants to see this. I shudder when I look at it. I was noticing all of the shower pictures and thinking "gee, it would be nice if you could see something." So......with a little encouragement, I took this picture. If you don't like it, you can kiss me smack dab in the middle.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Am I Pathetic?


When I wake up each morning, I wake up to a talk show on ESPN radio called "Mike and Mike" in the morning. That's how much of a guy I am. It's a fairly entertaining show hosted my Mike Golic (a former football player) and Mike Greenberg (a metrosexual in training). I get my early morning sports fix and a little entertainment.

After the radio wakes me up, I go turn the tv ESPN news for the "Mike and Mike" simulcast. Then I listen to them on the radio again on the way to work. All of this happens at about 5:30 in the morning.

As if this wasn't pathetic enough, this week I have been teased by Mike and Mike with a huge important announcement that was supposed to happen at 6:07 a.m. Central time today. They have been talking about it for three or four days and there was much speculation about the nature of the announcement. Are they changing the name of the show from "Mike and Mike" to "Mike and Mike"? (There has been some controversy about whose name comes first.) Is the team splitting up? Are they being canceled? Are they adding a third Mike (making it "Mike, Mike, and Mike.) Did Greenberg come out of the closet and announce his metrosexuality? Did Golic get his jaw wired so that he would be able to resist the donuts?

So here I sat, coffee in hand, the warm glow of the tv getting my sluggish blood flowing this morning. Eagerly awaiting the important, earth shattering announcement. Drum roll please.

"Mike and Mike In The Morning" is moving their tv simulcast from ESPN news to ESPN2! This, indeed, is an exciting development.

Let the nerd comments begin.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The Return Of My Baby's Momma


Alright sports fans, Shari left a message on my machine today. She had to leave a message because when I saw who was calling, I was sooooooooo not up for that conversation. (I know, I hate pricks that screen their calls too, but I couldn't help it.) The long and the short of the message was "I'm moving back to California next week and I was wondering if you wanted to see the baby before I left." Right. I'm trying to decide if I should return the call. If I don't, I just know that she is gonna show up at my door with the little skirt puller. It really is getting to the point where I, the eternal agnostic, am saying a little prayer before sleep every night. "God, please eliminate the drama from my life."



*Edit: Just to be clear....THIS IS NOT MY CHILD!!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm A Little Devil HNT

Another weak Half-Nekkid Thursday. All apologies. I have no idea where these pajama bottoms came from (are we seeing a theme here?) and I don't have the top. Click on the Half-Nekkid Thursday icon to the right for the policy and procedures concerning HNT.

Bonus pics. I swear they are nekkid under their fur. Daisy is the golden, Maddie is the mutt.