And Here We Are

She had tickets to the Wallflowers last night. I had been asked to go long before the break up and after the break up she insisted that we were still going. I had been looking forward to spending time with her but it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

I took her to dinner, someplace nice. That was where it started I guess. When we sat down, she sat across from the table from me. Not a small, intimate table, but a large table for four. I asked her to please sit next to me so we could at least have a conversation without yelling at each other. She moved, but looked around nervously. I told her not to worry, nobody was going to tell her new friend that she was sitting close to me. She chuckled and seemed to relax a little bit, but the damage was done.

We went to the concert and I was trying to have a good time. She didn't want me to touch her, I just wanted to maintain contact. It's not like I was trying to caress her ass or anything, but she kept brushing me off telling me that my hand kept moving, or that she didn't feel good. It didn't really matter. I never felt like it was the two of us doing something together anyway. She spent the better part of the the night texting her friend. Again, I felt like a ghost.

I'm starting to learn my lesson. She tells me that she wants me to be her best friend but it's all on her terms. It will never be me and her doing something together, it will always be me, her and her friend. She told me she wouldn't be going to any hockey games with me and I think she did me a favor.

How About A Non Ex Girlfriend Post?

I finally got cable and internet! Woohoo!!! It was tough trying to post with my iPhone, my thumbs are too damn fat. I'm mostly unpacked, gotta hang stuff. Still need to by some furniture, but I'm getting settled. Even the dogs are doing better. I guess they are getting used to it.

I reconnected with an old (as in almost 15 years ago) girlfriend via Facebook today. Had a nice conversation and it was interesting to note that she hadn't really changed a bit. The thing I've noticed with getting back in touch with old friends that you haven't talked to in a while is that after you catch up, it's hard to find anything else to talk about. On Facebook, I basically have a three paragraph synopsis of my life that I repeat when I'm asked, "What have you been doing all of this time." After those pleasantries are exchanged, it doesn't take long to realize why you don't talk to them on a regular basis.

I was invited to play cards this weekend, I'm debating on whether or not to go. I know this co-worker is trying to help, but I question the intelligence of making new friends right now. There is only one thing I really want to talk about, and that's no way to start a friendship. And even if I discuss anything else about my life, I can't see how I can delete what I'm going through right now. How do I get around "When we went to New York, we did this."? Yeah, I could just change pronouns, but the same question gets asked eventually, "Who did you go with?" and then everything spirals down into me discussing the break up. Even on this blog I had intended to change the subject, but here I am, talking about the same thing.

Home?

Well here I am, in my new place. The dogs are starting to settle in and I got my new couch on Saturday. Unfortunately, I ran into some problems with cable and the internet so I have to post from my iPhone.

I move out on Friday. I went back over to the house to get my bathroom stuff (toothbrush, etc.) and help her move some furniture. Everytime I opened my mouth, she had something snarky to say. It was like she was trying to hurt my feelings. I finally got fed up and stormed out of the house. She texted me later to say she was sorry, but I'm not sure she even understood why I was upset. I wish my last four or five days there had been better, but she had no interest. I was like a ghost. She has more important things to deal with than my feelings I guess.

So here I am, just me and the dogs. No cable or internet and too much time to think.

Last

Tonight is my last night in her house. I'm only half packed and that pisses her off. I keep looking at her and that pisses her off. I'm pretty sure my existance pisses her off. Three short weeks. That's all it has been and now I'm moving out, never to share a roof with her again.

I don't know what I expected. Maybe a laugh, maybe a tear. I was pretty much ignored the entire time we were here together tonight.

I thought about writing her a letter, but I can barely read my own hand writing and heaven knows I wouldn't want to subject her to it. In this letter, I thought I'd tell her how much I love her and how much I'll miss her, but she's tired of hearing it.

I thought I'd tell her all of the old cliches, the ones that somebody always says in a break up. Nobody will ever care for you the way I did. You will regret leaving me. You are making the worst mistake of your life. You will never have anybody like me. But, we would both know that none of it's true.

I wanted to tell her thanks for everything. Thanks for letting me show her new places and new things. Thanks for making me the center of her world. Thanks for being the center of mine. She has other concerns now. The things I would be thanking her for are ancient history to her. She can only see ahead and has no time to dwell on the past.

I don't feel I was treated fairly, but who does? It's the same old story, repeated a thousand times in a thousand different places every day on this planet. One moves ahead, one is always left behind. The one left behind never understands and the one that moves ahead doesn't care.

I am spent and I'm tired of being told that I look tired. Hopefully, things will get better for me. I hope I can be as happy as she is one day.

Well, Ok Then.....

I learned a few things yesterday. The more I've learned, the less I am convinced that breaking up had anything to do with me. The new friend is the tip of the ice berg.

I've always wanted her to trust me, she never has. This isn't just a perception, it's fact. For the first two years we were together, she would flat out tell me "No, I don't trust you." Yesterday she told me some things, some things that had nothing to do with me. She had her own reasons for telling me, but I feel like I'm either being tested, or she is trying to see if she can trust me. Why do I care? I don't know, but I told her I would hold on to the information. I don't see why I would do otherwise. She knows I disagree with the path she is taking, but I'm hardly objective. I try not to lecture or advise, it isn't my place, but she is on slippery slope in my opinion and the fall for her will be hard. I'm glad that I'm being taken out of a position to have to deal with what is to come, but I still don't understand why she is walking this path.

She has completely redefined our relationship. It seems, at least in the short term, I will still be a part of her life, just no where near the center that I'm used to being. I fully expect this to change, but I hope that it doesn't for a while. I think I've said it before, she can still be my best friend at times and I'm not sure I'm ready to lose that as well.

I have a little over forty-eight hours left here. I just need to hang on to my sanity that much longer.

More

I have four days left including tonight. Four years boiled down to four days. I met with her after work to change the billing on the cable, then I bought her dinner. When we got home, netflix had a movie waiting for us, "I Love You Man." She was initially excited, "Can we watch it tonight." My heart jumped at the thought of time spent with her laughing and enjoying each other's company. A little later, after we walked the dogs, she back tracked a bit, "Can we watch it tomorrow? Is that ok?" Of course it was. I can handle a little delayed gratification. After she talked to her friend for a while she came back to me, "I promised somebody else I would watch it with them, sorry." Just another little thing thrown on the pile to make a big thing. Four more days.

Here We Are

Yesterday was a half and half day. It started off with us arguing and basically me trying to convince her that I did and still do love her. For some reason she doesn't believe anything I say and brings up things that happened before we even knew each other to prove her point. I don't know if she is trying to assuage her guilt by painting me in a bad light or if she just feels the need to hurt me. She tells me that it was about her and once again I don't understand it at all. She claims that she wants to know what I'm doing, but she never asked. It's all supposition and theory.

Somehow we migrated from that to watching TV and kidding around. With all that I'm going through, she can still be my best friend. It's amazing what a shared bowl of ramen noodles will do. I went to bed in a great mood!

I bought a couch yesterday, but all weekend I only managed to pack one box. I'm still in denial I guess.

It's 3 a.m. I Must Be Lonely

The dog barked at 3:40 in the morning, so now I'm wide awake. I messed around with facebook awhile, let the dogs out, decided against coffee in case I wanted to go back to sleep and now I'm sitting in front of the computer.

I used to have a blog called Chunks of Grey Matter. I enjoyed posting there, hell I enjoyed blogging, but when I started dating the ex, she disapproved and in the interest of domestic tranquility, I stopped. I was looking over some of the old posts and ironically I started that blog when Tara broke up with me. I guess I'm a creature of habit.

I lost all enjoyment with blogging because I had to censure what I said and explain what every single comment meant. That's why I didn't post here much at all. Don't get me wrong, it was no big loss, I was so happy that it wasn't worth the aggravation and discontent that blogging caused.

I'm starting to realize that I couldn't possible cause myself anymore aggravation and discontent than I'm already experiencing so I imported all of those posts to this blog and made the old blog public again with a redirect to here. I think it's interesting to read and follow the transformation I went through over a three year period.

I'm very angry this morning. It's a lot of little things. I hate being angry, it's such a wasteful emotion as is jealousy and envy. Anyway, if anybody is reading this and you get tired of the bitching and whining, go back and read some of my posts from my old blog.

Day 18 of Bat's Saga

I'm in a decent mood today and I hope it lasts. I tire easily of drama but when you are stuck in the middle it often seems like no matter what you do, it stirs the drama pot!

The ex wasn't here when I got home last night, she was spending time with her new friend's family. (When she dives in to the water, it is without reservation. I've always known this.) I was ok. I mean I missed her, I always do, but maybe I'm starting to get a handle on things. It's still tough when we are together in a lot of ways. I want to be around her, but knowing that I'm not the most important thing in her life makes it a little rough emotionally. The conversation always seems to turn back to the current situation and she has made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I have my denial, she has hers.

I'm supposed to get a haircut, buy a couch and pack today. I can't get motivated for any of it. I don't want to leave, but I don't know if it's because that's the final connection to her, or if I just don't want to deal with the hassle of moving. She said she would help me, but as it turns out, she is going to be unavailable when I really need her.

Moving out is the best thing for both of us. It should have happened sooner. I am a thorn in her side and if I had stayed much longer I would have had to face things that are no big deal to her, but slay me emotionally. She asked me today how I would feel about a friend of hers coming over to watch the football game. I never trusted this friend and feel she had an instrumental part in our breakup. How could I deal with being in the same house? But it's the ex's house and eventually she would have stopped asking me and I would have had to either suffer humiliation or leave until they finished whatever they were doing. The fact that she asked tells me she doesn't really understand.

I talked to a friend of mine last night. I completely interrupted an anniversary celebration with his wife. I tried to get off the phone, but he kept me on for forty-five minutes. It was one of the nicer things somebody has done for me in the last few weeks. I guess he knew I needed it.

If you were getting here from a link on the ex's blog, or going to her blog from here, that connection has been severed. She went private. She tells me that she isn't going to blog on there anymore anyway. I'm sure she has things she wants to talk about that would be hurtful to me, so this is actually a good thing I think, but emotionally it feels like another piece of her being torn away from me. Soon, there won't be anything left.

Bat's State of Mental Health Address

I don't have any idea why I cracked up last weekend. Maybe it's the fact that I tend to hold everything inside until it just spills over. I realized the next day that last Monday was the 10th and maybe that had something to do with it. It was our "anniversary" in the month sense. On the 10th of every month, we always tried to recognize that the start of our relationship began on the 10th of the month. We didn't always remember, but sometimes it was a race to see who could say it first and maybe, subconsciously, I was struggling with it coming up on the 10th. I don't know.

I mucked things up pretty good early in the week. Even though she told some friends that it was ok that I talked to them, apparently it wasn't ok. She said a lot of hurtful things which made my head spin and my chest hurt again. I deserved some of it, a lot of it, I did not. She then asked me not to talk to her friends to talk to my own friends. So I broke contact with them and I've even avoided posting here, but I don't have anybody that knows both of us that can help me understand how I got to this place. I think I'm going to continue to post here, but I'm trying to lay low, just to keep things calm until I move out next week and she won't have to worry about me anymore.

When we got to a calmer place, I asked if I could make her dinner one night this week. She thought about it for a minute then said "Thursday." I told her that was great and then walked away. When I came back, I got "But don't get too excited, I told Friend X that I might do something with her that night." I tried to explain to her how wrong that was. I don't think she got it. She later told me that Friend X had made other plans and we could have dinner. I told her that I would cook her whatever she wanted and to pick something she might miss. I was trying to make it a good bye for me and to get some closure. She doesn't understand I think. She gives me the impression that we will talk all of the time, but I know when you're in a new relationship, you barely have time for your friends, let alone ex boyfriends.

She had given me a bottle of wine for our first Valentine's Day. It marked the occasion, had the date and our names on it. I wanted to open it, have her drink it with me and celebrate the good times while symbolically officially ending our relationship. She pretty much refused, although she did take a sip. I returned some things to her that were inappropriate for me to keep. I was trying to get closure. She is just tired of talking about it I think because she has moved so far ahead of me that these things just aren't important to her. I struggle to understand.

It's not my place to worry, but she has told me somethings about her new relationship that she would never have tolerated in our relationship. I hope she can get around this, but she wants it so bad, I'm afraid she is glossing over it, I can't really tell her because how objective am I really? Overall, I think she is doing well. She has taken some steps I would have never thought she had the strength to do and if nothing else this will make her a stronger person.

I'm sad most of the time and in denial all of the time. I haven't packed a single box and yet I move next weekend. I'm going to have to deal with it sooner or later.

I'm Cracking Up

I'm sitting in a car in a on a boat ramp down by the river. I had intended to come down here and watch the river go by hoping that it would calm me down, but it's raining balls out so I'm just sitting in the car listening to the rain. My life is a complete shithole and I went into full breakdown tonight.

After being crushed yesterday, I was looking forward to seeing the (ex)girlfriend tonight. I thought she would come home for lunch, but no such luck. I then pinned my hopes on this afternoon, but then I saw on her facebook that she was going out for dinner. Disappointed again. I traded texts with her and she tells me that she is still with her new friend, but we could watch Weeds together tonight. She came in at ten, the show had been off for an hour, but I had recorded it. She declined my offer to watch it. I wanted to talk to her and just tell her how much I missed her, but thirty seconds after I opened my mouth, her new friend calls and I am crushed again for the fifth time in twenty-four hours. I tried to go to bed (I have to get up at five a.m.), but I couldn't stop crying. I have to leave the bedroom door open because of the dogs and I can hear her laughing and giggling on the phone with her friend.

I know she broke up with me and I know I have no right to her time, but I just felt humiliated that she just spent four days with somebody and she is so wrapped up in them that I don't rate thirty minutes of her time. After almost four years, in a three week span I have become so unimportant that I can't be spared thirty minutes.

It's not her fault, I'm sure that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would be doing the same thing. I tried to tell her that she didn't do anything wrong, I'm just overwhelmed and I don't have anybody. She was everything to me. I know she reads this which just makes it that much more pathetic. Hopefully, this blog is the worst thing I do. If I keep wigging out on her, she is going to hate me. I just don't know what to do.

Butterflies

I was having a good day today. I went and put the deposit down on my rental house and got the keys. It's a great house in a decent neighborhood and I'm fairly excited about moving in a couple of weeks.

But it's five o'clock in the afternoon which means the girlfriend (I guess I should call her the ex, but I can't quite bring myself to do that yet. Go figure.) will be home soon. Despite my ranting and raving and bitching and moaning in this forum, we did have a good week last week and even though it was sad at times, at least it didn't feel awkward or hostile. Now she is coming back to the house after spending the weekend with the new person in her life. I suppose that it is vain of me, but I am worried that I was a topic of discussion for her this weekend. If the roles were reversed, and my new girlfriend was still living with her old boyfriend, there would be serious issues. I guess I'm just human.

I fear that I am going to be completely shut out. I fear that I will be a ghost in this house, somebody that passes through while she is on the phone with her new love. I fear that she will decide that once I move out, she can no longer talk to me. Hence the butterflies.

On the bright side, I went over to an old friend's house last night. Even though we both ended up in Nashville, I rarely see him or talk to him. He knew I was in trouble and since I had helped him over a really bad break up in the past, he was determined to do the same for me. He and his wife were very gracious. They made steaks and opened a large bottle of wine and before I knew it, one a.m. had rolled around. I am very grateful for the job they did in distracting me from my problems. In fact all of my old friends have been very supportive despite the fact that over the last four years I have been so wrapped up in the girlfriend, I didn't care if I spoke to them or not.

Hopefully, she will return tonight and we can both act like this isn't happening. Hopefully, my jitters are for naught. We shall see.

*Edit* Turns out, I had the butterflies for a different reason. I was looking forward to seeing her. Even after everything I'm going through, I miss her. She called about seven or so to tell me that her friends flight was canceled and she was coming home to get a change of clothes and then spend the night away again. I was crushed and I don't know why. I guess I was used to being the most important person in her life, now....now I don't know what I am, but I know it isn't important.

A New Day

I don't know what it is about the night that makes me so insane. The moon? A hormonal thing? I'm a werewolf? Who knows. It's much better today. The rage has been replaced by a feeling of acceptance and an eagerness to get restarted. I heard from her this morning, just a text to let me know she was ok. Exactly what I asked from her, no more, no less. I'm sitting here with a box of greeting cards she has sent me over the years. She has a thing for greeting cards and has always searched hard for the perfect one for each occasion. I had intended to go through them and wallow in misery but I looked at the first couple and read the lines that always seemed to appear at the end of each message she wrote. Never the same, but always with the same intent. Words like "I will love you always", "I love you with all my heart", and just plain "I love you." The fact that she once did love me will have to be enough. I couldn't look through the rest. I will have to make a decision soon about what to do with them. The cards and the pictures and the little nick nacks. I don't think they will go with me when I leave. Nothing good can come of that endeavor.

I'm on call all day, but tonight I'm going to an old friends house. He is married now, but there was a time when he went through a bad break up and I worked hard to help him get past it. Hopefully, he will do the same for me. It will be a welcome distraction at the very least.

Rage

I should be asleep. It's one in the morning and I've done all the crying I'm gonna do over this. I'm on call all day tomorrow and I will be dragging if I have to go into work, but I can't sleep, I'm in full on rage.

I feel abandoned, used, taken advantage of, and mistreated. This is what you get when you make somebody the center of your world. This is what you get when you do everything humanly possible to make somebody happy. They shit all over you then smile to your face the whole time they are thinking about somebody they don't even know. They throw everything back at you. Take them to Denver for their birthday because you were told nobody has ever done anything special for them? Great. Now here is a big shit sandwich to eat because guess what? You are apparently trying to buy their love. Spend three weekends doing improvements to their house? Here, have a hunk of shit on a roll. You didn't really love them because you weren't paying attention to them. Hold their hand when they lose their job, tell them it will be ok because you are working and can hold on until they find something else. Help them with their resume, their interview, encourage them when they get a job. Know what that gets you? A big pile of steaming shit on a platter. Somebody else flatters them a little and suddenly everything you've done to try and make this person happy counts for nothing.

And the sad thing about being shit on by someone you love? You still look for those smiles, those words, that touch. You yearn to be back in their good graces, even though you haven't done anything wrong. You whine and cry, rage and bitch, sigh and accept because there really isn't anything you can do. You can tell yourself that the person is making a poor choice, you can tell the person that they are making a mistake, but they are so blinded by infatuation, they don't care. They throw away everything the two of you have made together for something they know in their heart, if they were honest with themselves, will never work. And yet, you follow them like a puppy, begging for that pat on the head.

I have to get out of here. My head spins and my chest hurts. My heart is broken and I truly believe she doesn't care.

Love Hurts

The week started off horrible. I guess I should break down the time line as I see it. To begin with, the girl friend has had a friend since high school. Her and this friend have an emotional bond that I have always accepted, but is not accepted by everyone. Her ex husband did not allow her to talk to this friend, so when the girlfriend and I started dating, she rekindled the friendship. I was completely ok with this relationship. The friend had a girlfriend and lived in Wisconsin. How much trouble could it be?

In the last few months, the friend ended the long term relationship and decided to move to Tennessee in the near future. A couple of weekends ago, the girlfriend had to go to Vegas for work. I couldn't go, so the girlfriend asked her friend to go. I didn't like it, but I didn't say anything because I wanted to trust her and didn't want to be the controlling boyfriend.

So the girlfriend returns from Vegas and breaks up with me. She lists several problems that she says she can't live with anymore and basically tells me I won't change and that our relationship has ended.

Monday morning, I get up for work and I'm making coffee. The girlfriends iTouch dings. She has an email. Now I admit, it was wrong, but I was hurting and suspicious. I looked at her email. On the 30th she exchanged emails with this friend basically describing how excited she was and how she couldn't wait to start a new relationship with this friend. All less than 48 hours after breaking up with me.

Naturally, I was crushed. To me it seems that this was planned. I was simply in the way, something old that had to be taken care of to make way for the new. I did my second immature thing in two hours and sent the friend an email describing the difficulties they will have. It was mean spirited, but the truth.

By that afternoon, while I regretted the email and the fact that I had sunk to new lows, I had begun to take solace in the fact that this was not about me. The girlfriend started an emotional relationship with somebody else. Our problems were the same problems we had always had, but now she had another person in her life and our problems became the excuse to break up. How else could I see it?

The rest of the week went fine. She was very considerate of me considering I was stuck where I wasn't wanted. She threw the friend label at me several times. We slept together every night.

She told her friends about her new relationship and about how we were getting along. Her friends told her that I was getting everything I wanted. I get out of the relationship and still have her company and her bed. I have to disagree. I feel she is getting everything she wants. She gets my company and a new relationship.

She is spending the weekend with her friend. I am left home alone to think and think and think and think. It's horrible.

She emails a friend of mine expressing concern. "Don't let him drive drunk." etc. She tells me that maybe she just needs time. I'm sure it was like a pat on the head. Something to console me while she is trying on her new relationship. I'm supposed to wait and see if this works for her, if it doesn't, I'm her fall back. That doesn't quite seem fair to me.

None of this really seems fair, but I can pound my fists against the wall and scream at the universe or I can accept my lot in life and open a new chapter. I'm putting a deposit down on a house for rent this weekend and plan to move by the end of the month. Then she will have her way and I can move on with my life.

Last Call

She let me take her to dinner tonight. I really have missed her. It didn't help much. We talked a fair amount before we left. I did my fair share of begging for a second chance to no avail. I asked her if she still loved me and she wouldn't answer, which is an answer. Still, I was glad to get a chance to spend time with her. Only, I might as well have not been there. Whenever we are together, she spends more time texting and on the phone than with me. I'm down to getting whatever scraps fall from the table as far as quality time. I'm sure by now her conversations have turned to "why won't he leave me alone" or "can you believe what he said?" It's so obviously hopeless.

I am going to look at a rental house tomorrow. I know that when I move out, she will have zero use for me then. Nothing about me interests her anymore. We have hockey tickets together. Something that was ours. We have talked about going together, but I get the feeling that won't last.

If I was talking to me I'd say quit whining, get on with it, it isn't the end of the world. Where am I when I need me?

Sooner Or Later I Fuck Everything Up

So it's been almost a year since I posted, which is a good thing because it means nobody is reading this, also a good thing. I have to talk to somebody and since I have nobody, I'm going to write.

It's two in the morning and I can't sleep. My world has been turned completely upside down in the last week and I can't figure out what I'm doing. I haven't written mostly because I was content. My everyday life was pretty close to perfect. In the past year, I've done a lot and seen a lot, all with my girlfriend at my side. My life revolved around her and it looks like I screwed it up.

I picked her up from the airport last Sunday and knew something was out of kilter. She gave me a half smile, the kind you give a kid that did something cute, but not the wide grin and the eyes opening wide that I'm used to seeing. I chalked it up to her being tired. I chatted on about nonsensical things. This and that. When we got home, I proudly pointed out the household chores I had done while she was gone. She complained that she was tired, but couldn't take a nap. She had to get up early the next morning for work, and a nap would ruin sleep that night. So we sat on the couch watching TV, her on her laptop and me trying to get her attention. I got up to use the bathroom and when I came back she was crying. I said "Why are you crying?" and like always I said it too loud and to abrupt. She snapped back "Don't yell at me!" And then goes on to tell me that she didn't want to come back. I was devastated by that simple statement, but let it drop for fear of creating a confrontation that I didn't want at that point.

I stayed out of her way Monday, but by Tuesday I had resolved to tell her that even though she thought I was heartless, she had hurt my feelings. When she got home from work, I brought the subject up and gave her the worst case scenario which was that she wanted me to move out so that her friend could move into the house. She tells me that her friend is not coming into the house, I could stay as long as I want, but she did want to break up.

I know I can be a shit heel. This is no secret. I have many faults but I always tried to be good to her. I guess our ideas of what was and wasn't good were very far apart. She says she tried to warn me, but when you continuously make plans for the future, thoughts of not being together did not come into the picture for me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. We talked more and I tried to find out what was wrong. Her issues seemed minor to me, considering the big picture, but they were obviously important to her. I offered solutions, compromises. She shot them down, but gave me a little hope by saying "I didn't think you would want to work on this. Can you give me a day to think it over?" I agreed.

The day passed and nothing was said. I was sure this was an ominous sign and I was right. It was over. In less than a week, I went from the center of her universe to outcast. I didn't understand and I still don't. Of course I don't have to understand, it isn't up to me.

So here I am, early in the morning, writing on a blog I had discarded a year ago. I can't sleep, my thoughts keep going to all of the things I did right for her and the anger starts to well. Then I have to remind myself of the things she says I did wrong and the sadness returns. I'm trapped where I'm not wanted, I'm trapped where everything is like a twist of the knife. She says there isn't anyone else, but that's little consolation, because there isn't me either. I still want to touch her, look in her eyes, call her sweetie. I don't have the right anymore.

She went out tonight, something she had planned for a while. I tried to go to bed, but lay awake hoping that she was ok and worse, knowing that she was ok. Ok without me. When she came home, I went upstairs and asked her for a hug. I just wanted to connect. It doesn't feel like I did.

I know she will probably read this eventually. I guessing that there will be little sympathy. I'm trying to be strong, but I want to beg her to give me another chance. I know that she wont. She looks at me and sees only the wrong and not the right and when you reach that point, there is no turning back. I'm going to miss her.

Thank you . Thanks for asking me to call. Thanks for looking at me that way. Thanks for moving with me. Thanks making me laugh. Thanks for taking me to Chicago. Thanks for talking to my Mom. Thanks for making my Dad and Step-dad love you. Thanks for dressing me. Thanks for putting me back in touch with my friends. Thanks for making coffee the night before. Thanks for making sure my tags are tucked and my pant legs are untucked. Thanks for feeding my dogs. Thanks for giving me a place to live. Thank you for everything.